The wedding

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Part of the reason we got married so soon after our engagement was pregnant. You know the whole thing about being married before we actually had a baby, still being just the two of us on our honeymoon, and not having to delay it more years until it was easier to have a wedding with the baby. 

He wasn’t really involved in planning the wedding which really is a very surprising, a lot of men aren’t. My friends wanted to throw me a bachelorette party but it was kind of odd seeing how I was pregnant. I had more than one conversation with him to see how he felt about it because he’s always been pretty jealous. He promised me that it wouldn’t be a problem. We ended up going to San Diego and barhopping which I didn’t really partake in because again I was pregnant. The idea got brought up about a male strip club but it just felt odd to me especially because at that point his friends had no intention that I knew of a throwing him a bachelor party and it was only about two weeks until the wedding. 

I was fine with him having a bachelor party, in fact him doing so would make me feel better about having my own bachelorette party. There is only one thing that I requested and that was if they did decide to do it to not do it the night before the wedding. 

Well guess what. After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding his friends decide they want to take him for a bachelor party… the night before the wedding. no shocker he didn’t stumble into bed until early morning hours. He was hung over late for pictures to the point where we had to do most of them after the actual wedding. He was supposed to do all the ones without me prior to the wedding. So we were pretty late getting to the reception. 

When it was time for toast at the reception my oldest brother made a toast. At the end of it he said take care of my little sister because if not we have the Air Force the army and the Navy in our family. His uncle stood up right after that and said don’t worry about that we have the CIA and our family. So, to me, that sounds like, “Don’t worry how you treat her we’ve got you covered.” And boy his whole family had a great laugh at that. That should’ve been a huge red flag to me; it angered me and cut me off guard but I had no idea what narcissism was at that time. 

When I was still eating I noticed that he had been away from our table for a while. I looked around and figured out that he was greeting everybody in the room without me. He didn’t even say anything to me or invite me to greet people with him; it was like I didn’t even exist anymore to him. 

Now mind you, I was about five months pregnant at the wedding and I had to use the restroom quite often. Every single fun traditional song or dance such as the chicken dance, the hokey pokey, YMCA (all that dorkey stuff) happened when I wasn’t even in the room. But he was.  I’m still a little butt hurt that no one noticed or cared to wait until the bride was there. 

I guess I have a hard time letting go of grudges. This was 15 years ago. I think what makes it hard to let go of it is that no one else saw anything wrong with any of it. 

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15-year Wedding Anniversary 

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Yep… that’s today.  Our 15-year wedding anniversary. I was going to do some posts and break it down for you of how we got here; starting from the beginning to now. 15 years into marriage, 24 years into our relationship. Instead I’m going to go in reverse.

So, here we are on our 15th wedding anniversary.  Barely speaking, barely looking at each other, barely communicating. We own our cars. We rent our house. We have two amazing teenage children. Three dogs. Separate bank accounts. From the outside I’m sure it looks good… maybe? If you don’t really know the intimate details of our household. If you don’t know what it’s really like. 

I would say I’m 100% sure that this day will not even be at knowledged by my N. But seeing how I’ve been doing my best to be a gray rock for probably the last six months or so I have a small feeling that he might do something to acknowledge it. Why? Because for the first probably 20 years of our relationship I was the one to acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries & holidays that are meant to show appreciation and love for your partner. It was only maybe four years ago that I stopped because I got tired of being the only one doing it. Of course if I’m not giving him supply by seeing my hurt from him not reciprocating, that’s when he’ll do something; because otherwise, he’s not getting the supply from my emotional response. Even if it’s just the look on my face or my general emotional state. 

Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. Occasionally I would come home from work and there’d be some flowers sitting on the counter. I think cards from him probably stopped at least 10 years ago. Verbally acknowledging that there was a holiday or special occasion? I don’t believe that ever happened, not even in response to my verbal acknowledgment to him. 

To me, that is the most important part of a special occasion or holiday… acknowledgment. Looking at or talking to the people that you care about in your life and just saying the words. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you.”

“Happy birthday!”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Happy Anniversary.”

The acknowledgment, the words, a smile and a hug. Those things mean so much more to me than a material item. Even spending the day together or if not, just taking a moment to acknowledge it makes all difference in the world. 

I asked my kids the other day, “What would you rather have someone you care about do? Spend any part of the day with you or just being around you knowing it’s your birthday ,maybe a gift for you to come across, and them never once acknowledging it ~or~ would you rather have them acknowledge that it’s your birthday even if they didn’t have time to spend with you or money for a gift, but they made sure to give you a hug or make a call and just say ,”Hey, happy birthday. I hope you have a great day I love you.”?” 

I know which one I choose.  What about you?

It is only lunch time. I’ll edit tomorrow and let you know if anything happens.