He knows my weakness is my children.

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My heart is breaking right now. My children are my world and have been since the days they came into this world. They saved my life when I was at a very low place and battling depression. Hearing about their days and being able to come to them is my everything. Watching their unique personalities grow is an amazing thing to witness. They make me so proud.

But my son is 13 and, like any boy, looks up to his dad and holds him on a pedestal. Most often I try and hold my tongue rather than point out Narc traits in his dad. My daughter is a little older and has talked to me about it herself. But, not my son. I see when he is reflecting his dad’s opinions of me. It comes across in his words and actions sometimes. While I don’t point out or question him on where he is developing these actions towards me (because I know where) I do try and point out when something is not what people ‘normally‘ do or say. In a more round about way of course. For instance, I’ll state another perspective, a more empathetic one, or suggest another less aggressive reason for someone’s actions.

My Narc husband has mentioned moving to a place about 2 hours away, near where he is currently working. It’s a more expensive area. His job moves around. He’s never at one site more than a year or two. The area he has mentioned is very populated and the traffic is much worse than what he deals with now. Sure, for the length of his job at this site it may be more convenient but what about when he goes to the next one? It’s always been a statement more in passing than a conversation and he’s only mentioned it a couple times in the past year.

My son has now started mentioning moving there to me. His dad has glamorized it to him making him consider moving there. His dad makes more money than me and he sees his dad as a financial surplus. Expensive cars and nice things sound good to anyone, especially a teenage boy.

My Narc husband decided to sit down across from me tonight and talk about moving there. It was not a conversation, he was not asking my opinion. He was stating what he wanted to do and very well might do. He went on to tell me why it would be good for our children to move there, too.

I doubt very highly that my daughter would go. She has said she doesn’t want to move until she graduates, which is only a few years away.

But, with my son. I’m not so sure. It scares me to think he’d go with his dad. The influence he’d have on him scares me. He’s still learning who he is in this world and has a big heart, intelligent mind and is talented in anything he puts his mind to. I am the one nurturing those things though. His dad is only interested in cultivating the parts of my son that can be just like him.

There is no male or female in this world that I love more than my children. I understand that they will graduate and move on in life but I’m not ready to miss out on so much of my child’s life. It puts an ache in my chest just thinking about it.

Our families live where we are now. Our resources are here. Our children’s whole life has been lived here and the majority of ours as well. I finally have a great job with reliable income and our children are thriving. I don’t see any good coming from moving until they finish high school. The area we live now is not the greatest and it’s getting worse but I have always said I wanted to move before they reached high school. We didn’t and I don’t want to move until they’ve finished school now.

Plus, I don’t honestly know that I could make such a huge move with someone who I feel doesn’t have my best interest in mind at all.

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The wedding

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Part of the reason we got married so soon after our engagement was pregnant. You know the whole thing about being married before we actually had a baby, still being just the two of us on our honeymoon, and not having to delay it more years until it was easier to have a wedding with the baby. 

He wasn’t really involved in planning the wedding which really is a very surprising, a lot of men aren’t. My friends wanted to throw me a bachelorette party but it was kind of odd seeing how I was pregnant. I had more than one conversation with him to see how he felt about it because he’s always been pretty jealous. He promised me that it wouldn’t be a problem. We ended up going to San Diego and barhopping which I didn’t really partake in because again I was pregnant. The idea got brought up about a male strip club but it just felt odd to me especially because at that point his friends had no intention that I knew of a throwing him a bachelor party and it was only about two weeks until the wedding. 

I was fine with him having a bachelor party, in fact him doing so would make me feel better about having my own bachelorette party. There is only one thing that I requested and that was if they did decide to do it to not do it the night before the wedding. 

Well guess what. After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding his friends decide they want to take him for a bachelor party… the night before the wedding. no shocker he didn’t stumble into bed until early morning hours. He was hung over late for pictures to the point where we had to do most of them after the actual wedding. He was supposed to do all the ones without me prior to the wedding. So we were pretty late getting to the reception. 

When it was time for toast at the reception my oldest brother made a toast. At the end of it he said take care of my little sister because if not we have the Air Force the army and the Navy in our family. His uncle stood up right after that and said don’t worry about that we have the CIA and our family. So, to me, that sounds like, “Don’t worry how you treat her we’ve got you covered.” And boy his whole family had a great laugh at that. That should’ve been a huge red flag to me; it angered me and cut me off guard but I had no idea what narcissism was at that time. 

When I was still eating I noticed that he had been away from our table for a while. I looked around and figured out that he was greeting everybody in the room without me. He didn’t even say anything to me or invite me to greet people with him; it was like I didn’t even exist anymore to him. 

Now mind you, I was about five months pregnant at the wedding and I had to use the restroom quite often. Every single fun traditional song or dance such as the chicken dance, the hokey pokey, YMCA (all that dorkey stuff) happened when I wasn’t even in the room. But he was.  I’m still a little butt hurt that no one noticed or cared to wait until the bride was there. 

I guess I have a hard time letting go of grudges. This was 15 years ago. I think what makes it hard to let go of it is that no one else saw anything wrong with any of it. 

Love, marriage and children

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I knew I wanted to marry my husband pretty early on in the relationship. It took quite a few conversations, a few break ups and nine years for him to give me an engagement ring. Some of that time is understandable because I was 14 when I met him. 

At the time we had an apartment together and his sister lived with us. On Christmas morning we were opening our small stack of presents and there was a present wrapped for me from him. When I opened it inside was a small square jewelry box. I was a little stunned and did not get my hopes up that was it was a ring. But when I opened it that’s exactly what it was, and engagement ring and wedding band. I was in shock. I don’t show my emotions very well when someone gives me a gift anyway. I stared at the opened box in shock. I look back and forth between my dark and his sister as they sat waiting for a reaction. As I sat waiting for a long awaited and anticipated proposal… which didn’t happen.  I don’t remember every single detail but I do remember asking if it was an engagement ring. I remember taking it over to him and asking him to put it on me to which he said he didn’t think it would fit because I’d probably have to take it to get sized. They also told me how they had wanted it to be the gift that I chose to open the night before for our one present that we open on Christmas Eve so that I could have showed it off to my family when we went over there on Christmas Eve for dinner. 

Maybe it was wrong of me but I didn’t know how to react. As much as I wanted this engagement I wasn’t sure how to feel about him not even proposing to me and about him not wanting to put the ring on me. 

Before we got married when I was almost 22, I remember distinctly laying in bed with my narc and him telling me that he thought that it would be cool if we had a baby. Technically I think the words he used were, “I think it would be cool if you had a baby.” That day we conceived my daughter. It must’ve been in January; she was born the next November.

In February we decided we were going to let the least go with our apartment because our landlord was raising the rent and we didn’t think the apartment was worth that amount. So we decided together to move in with my parents save up some money and buy a house. We had already decided that we were going to get married in May. Right before we moved in with my parents we found out that I was in fact pregnant. 

We moved in with my parents in March and I had to stop working at the beginning of October because I was just too pregnant to keep working. Our daughter was born in November. 

When she was about five months old ice started working for a lady that I knew who had a daycare in her house. I had worked with her before and she was very willing to let me bring my daughter with me and do what I needed to take care of her while working. Only a couple weeks after starting work I began calling out sick which is very unlike me. I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve called out sick from a job in my life. She was pretty intuitive and suggested that I was pregnant. Since my daughter was so young, I was breast-feeding, and I haven’t started my new cycle yet after giving birth, I highly doubt it that I would be pregnant. After calling out a few times because I was sick I took a test and lo and behold I was in fact pregnant. At that time my daughter was only six months old. 

I freaked out because we had been having a lot of relationship problems since the day we got married and over the course of the pregnancy with my daughter. I ended up quitting the job because with this pregnancy I was nauseous and throwing up the entire pregnancy. 

15-year Wedding Anniversary 

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Yep… that’s today.  Our 15-year wedding anniversary. I was going to do some posts and break it down for you of how we got here; starting from the beginning to now. 15 years into marriage, 24 years into our relationship. Instead I’m going to go in reverse.

So, here we are on our 15th wedding anniversary.  Barely speaking, barely looking at each other, barely communicating. We own our cars. We rent our house. We have two amazing teenage children. Three dogs. Separate bank accounts. From the outside I’m sure it looks good… maybe? If you don’t really know the intimate details of our household. If you don’t know what it’s really like. 

I would say I’m 100% sure that this day will not even be at knowledged by my N. But seeing how I’ve been doing my best to be a gray rock for probably the last six months or so I have a small feeling that he might do something to acknowledge it. Why? Because for the first probably 20 years of our relationship I was the one to acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries & holidays that are meant to show appreciation and love for your partner. It was only maybe four years ago that I stopped because I got tired of being the only one doing it. Of course if I’m not giving him supply by seeing my hurt from him not reciprocating, that’s when he’ll do something; because otherwise, he’s not getting the supply from my emotional response. Even if it’s just the look on my face or my general emotional state. 

Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. Occasionally I would come home from work and there’d be some flowers sitting on the counter. I think cards from him probably stopped at least 10 years ago. Verbally acknowledging that there was a holiday or special occasion? I don’t believe that ever happened, not even in response to my verbal acknowledgment to him. 

To me, that is the most important part of a special occasion or holiday… acknowledgment. Looking at or talking to the people that you care about in your life and just saying the words. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you.”

“Happy birthday!”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Happy Anniversary.”

The acknowledgment, the words, a smile and a hug. Those things mean so much more to me than a material item. Even spending the day together or if not, just taking a moment to acknowledge it makes all difference in the world. 

I asked my kids the other day, “What would you rather have someone you care about do? Spend any part of the day with you or just being around you knowing it’s your birthday ,maybe a gift for you to come across, and them never once acknowledging it ~or~ would you rather have them acknowledge that it’s your birthday even if they didn’t have time to spend with you or money for a gift, but they made sure to give you a hug or make a call and just say ,”Hey, happy birthday. I hope you have a great day I love you.”?” 

I know which one I choose.  What about you?

It is only lunch time. I’ll edit tomorrow and let you know if anything happens. 

My Protector

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I wonder if others consider their Narc to be their protector? I certainly do.

I’ve seen instances where predators protect their prey from other predators as to keep the prey for themselves. Maybe this is the same type of thing?

The other night I was so tired when I headed to bed. I could barely hold my eyes open. But, when I laid down in bed I suddenly couldn’t sleep. I was in bed alone because my Narc was sleeping on the couch. He does this about 90% of the time anymore. It’s been this way for a year or two. (That’s a story for another post.)

As I laid there I just kept having this feeling of anxiety. What if we didn’t live together and he wasn’t on the couch? What if it was just the kids and I and someone were to break in? Even if I had my own gun and was comfortable with handling it, would I really be capable of using it? My Narc has told me many times how he doesn’t think I could. I suppose that’s one reason he’s never made a point to help me learn how to shoot.

But, he was there. On the couch. In the other room. I know 100% that there is no way in hell that he would allow an intruder to get the best of any of us. We. Are. His. He would die before he’d allow someone to have control of him or his family.

What if he weren’t there? What if it was just the kids and I? How do I go from that level of protection to zero protection?

Would I be afraid of him being the intruder?

He’s my protector. He’s our protector. How much is that worth? Is it worth sacrificing affection? Is it worth sacrificing a quality relationship? How much are affection and a quality relationship worth?

Protection + Financial assistance + Father in the home

vs.

Affection + Quality relationship + A happier household

How do I choose between those? How do I stop letting my fears control what I think I deserve? I’ve never lived without him. I went straight from living with my parents to living with him. As hard as it can be living this way, I am afraid to live without him.