It’s never okay

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So the reason I decided to pick up the blog post again today was because something happened that I just couldn’t handle again. As I said in my previous post it’s not like nothing has happened but every once in while and it just crosses that line.

We had to put our dog to sleep last week. Last. Week. Immediately after, he was talking about getting a new puppy which I was adamantly against because I knew it would end up being me waking up with the puppy, feeding the puppy, cleaning up after the puppy, etc.

Well, two days later he went and bought a very expensive puppy. She is cute and she is smart but our priorities are not in the same place. I’ve explained in another post how much we need different things that just cost too much money and here he is spending thousands of dollars on his hot rod in the back and a new puppy.

He took good care of her for two days and then it shifted to be coming my responsibility. And when I brought it up to him he stated he thought our other dog (who is afraid of the puppy) was going to hurt her if we left her outside with him. So when I brought up that I felt like I was the one taking care of her when I was the one who said I didn’t want this right now his answer was to either just leave her in her shit her put her outside and kill the other dog if he touched her.

Meanwhile he’s texting and talking to his friends and family about how he has already potty trained her and exaggerating how the other dogs react to her.

We got her I think on Tuesday by Thursday it had become my responsibility. It’s now Saturday and when she was crying at 6 o’clock in the morning to go outside it with me who woke up from down the hallway in the room with the door closed to put her outside. Yet he was sleeping in the room right next to her. After I put her outside I want to try to go back to sleep and at about 7:30 she was barking to come back inside. again I was the one to wake up and let her inside at which point I also gave her food and water and shut her in the kennel so that I could go back to sleep. Not even 60 seconds after I had lay down again I hear him putting her outside.

I walked out there and calmly told him that I had already let her outside for an hour and her just let her back in with food and water. He responded with something like, “I didn’t know that” as I was walking back to my bed. Then he passed the bathroom in the hallway and came into the room where I was laying to use the bathroom in there. After he close the door to the back. He made a remark about how he doesn’t have to follow my rules. When he came out again calmly, I told him that I had woken up at 6 AM to let the puppy outside left her out there for an hour I tried to go back to sleep and then again woke up at 7:30 to let her inside and give her food and water. I said when I heard him put her outside I came to tell him that I had already done all of this and asked why that was a problem. He says that I lectured him and went on and on in detail about everything that I did to take care of the puppy. I objected and said I was just telling him what I did that I didn’t sign up for and that’s why that’s a problem. It escalated from there and he made some shitty remark as he walked away and now I was angry two and got to make myself some coffee. He made it like how was he supposed to know that she was doing all that when he was asleep but I was asleep too and I was much further away from her than he was and he kind a closed door and not even a minute after I had just finished doing all of this to take care of her he gets up and thinks he’s doing it and when I let him know but I had done it’s a problem and I’m lecturing him. He started talking over me not getting letting me get a sentence out and ignoring anything I was saying. I continued to calmly repeat the same sentence over and over again to which he just kept talking over me about how I’m so unreasonable and how I don’t listen and on and on about how horrible I am because he couldn’t stand to listen to what I was saying.

So I started doing it back. I started just talking about how I’m just going to talk and talk and not listen to anybody and talk about everything he says and go on and on and not hear anything and keep talking so I don’t have to listen to him and act just like he does and go on and on just like this. Well this pissed him off now I’m acting like him. It’s OK for him to treat people that way but not for people to do it to him. He turned the TV up so loud that I could not hear the coffee maker that was right in front of me. He was sitting in the recliner smiling because he was so proud of what an ass he was being and so I walked in front of him, between him and the TV. He went from smiling to giving me a threatening stare. When I started calling him out on his behavior, not yelling, he stood up and leaned forward shoulder first and pushed me away from him with his shoulder in my chest. I said wow you’re gonna rush me with your shoulder because you’re angry? I which point he got in my face yelling telling me that I was in his face and asking me if me if I wanted to go there. I said I wasn’t in your face like this I was standing in front of you. He moved and I walked away. He told me I was a cunt. Now I was furious and trembling. I told him that I was done along time ago because he was done and stopped trying and does exactly this; he gets angry and he gets physical and verbally abusive and that is never OK. I asked him if somebody was physical and verbally abusive with his daughter but whatever OK and if she should just not get mad.

I disengaged from the situation and I’m now sitting in my car to write this post and get it out of my system so I can move on in my day since it is only 8:30 in the morning on Saturday.

I’m going to put this out of my mind and focus on positive energy and raising my level of consciousness and focusing on good things.

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It’s been too long

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I’ve been doing a lot of work on raising my level of consciousness and vibration and I’ve been really struggling trying to avoid confrontation. It’s been a while since I’ve written a post to vent my feelings, maybe that’s part of it. I didn’t want to write a post because I was feeling like it would be putting attention on negative energy and in that case increasing the negative energy but I think when I write it down when it happens it’s easier for me to then release it without revisiting it in my mind over and over again.

Just because I haven’t written anything doesn’t mean nothing has happened. It’s been mostly words, names and/or actions to be controlling or to hurt my feelings. The last time he did something I didn’t even write a blog post I just did a private Snapchat video of myself because I was to shaken up that I couldn’t even write it down. He was flipping out in the garage going on and on talking to him self loudly and I crushing cans. I couldn’t hear everything he was saying but could make out some things. He was saying things like stupid bitch and why don’t you fucking…? He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me so I can only assume it was about me. I sent him a text after that asking him if I was who he was talking about and he never responded. He ignored that text like I never sent it.

There’s also been many times where we were going somewhere as a family and he didn’t want to be involved. Things like Magic Mountain, all the holidays that just passed, he didn’t come to any of my family functions. My parents just had their 50th wedding anniversary. My brothers and I put together the whole party and he didn’t contribute in anyway and didn’t even show up for the party. My mom has an annual family gathering after Christmas. He didn’t come to that either. Basically, anytime I have invited him to do anything with us, he didn’t go. Besides the name calling that continues here and there, mostly as a something he says as he’s passing me or in another room has continued. Those times when he’s talking to himself, so angry about this and that, seem to have gotten more frequent.

Like I said, I’ve been trying to ignore him and not write it down and put it behind me and focus on positive but there is a great tension release when I can write it down and have it documented and move on from it. So I can just try to live life every day without how he feels about me I feel determining how I feel about myself.

I am the king! 👑

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My son has taken interest in guitar. It started with a ukulele and then an acoustic guitar. He’s been playing those for a few months and is self taught. His musical skill impresses me; especially because I have none. Lol

I love when he comes out of his room just to sit with me and show off what he has learned. He’s always asking me, “what song is this?” It’s pretty comical how bad I am at recognizing songs, and it’s not at all a reflection of his talent.

Today, we were doing just this. We had gone down to the local guitar place that we’d never been to and I bought him some new picks. (sp?) We looked at some inexpensive electric guitars they had for sale as he’s been talking about how much he wants one. He’s especially interested in learned bass guitar. They also offer lessons there. It they’re kind of pricey. You get four 1/2 hour lessons a month for $90. Maybe that’s just my thriftiness showing through. He said he’d really like a bass guitar for Christmas but I told him, if he finds a decent used one that I can afford, he wouldn’t need to wait until Christmas. They had a brand new one there for $199. That’s a pretty good deal but a little above my price range. I told him that if he could get his dad to pay half, we could probably do it.

So, we’re sitting in the living room and he’s playing his guitar and ukulele when his dad got home. His dad walks passed us and does a little chuckle as he’s walking by us. There was nothing to laugh at. Then, he comes out of the bathroom a couple minutes later and goes in the kitchen. My son tells him, “Hey dad, you what I want? A bass guitar.” He was trying to get a dialogue going with his dad. He’s told me before, that is how he gets his dad to EVEN CONSIDER buying him something that he (his dad) is not really interested in as a hobby of his own.

His dad looks at him and says, “No.”

Then he looks over to me and says, “See how I did that?”, with a smirk on his face. Then he went back to going through his papers he has scattered around the counter.

I just ignored him. Grey rock. I was fuming inside.

Then he follows up by saying, “You know what I want?”

I couldn’t hold my tongue. I laughed and said, “Nothing? Because you buy everything you want?”

He ignored me and said, “Someone to clean up the dog poop.”

I could feel the heat rising up in me and caught myself and held my tongue. Grey rock.

Let me say, he does NOTHING around the house! If anything, he could AT LEAST take out the trash and clean up the dog poop. Heaven knows he doesn’t do anything but wash his own laundry. Which, I’ll add, is in a huge heap in our garage, by his own choosing! He barely ever even puts his dirty dishes in the sink, let alone rinse them off! Or hell, even throw his damn trash away! I don’t even GO IN that room because it makes me so angry!

I look over at my son and he hasn’t even moved since he last spoke. I can see the wheels turning in his mind as he stares off at nothing. I know what he’s feeling. I’ve been there. He’s blaming himself; he’s wondering what he said wrong; he’s asking himself if he asks for too much; he’s thinking he just blew his chance of getting that guitar before Christmas. It breaks my heart.

The only thing I could think to say was, “Well, I think it’d be cool if you had one.”

My husband then says, “You know what else I want? …someone to put a trash bag back in the trash can when they take the trash out.” To which I replied, “Oh, that was me.” My son said something like, “Ha! It wasn’t me.” His dad responded with, “Well just blame (our daughter) since she’s not in here.” (Like now he’s light hearted and joking around)

I wanted to yell so badly! I wanted to say one of the hundred responses I had running through my mind.

~”Because why would you have to do anything to help around here?!”

~”Way to crush a kids’ spirit!”

~”Wow!”

I can’t even remember everything I was thinking in that moment. It was all I could do to ignore it. Grey rock.

I’m going to talk to my son when his dad’s not around and ask what he was thinking when his dad responded like that. Try and make sure he’s not feeling like he said something wrong.

No win situation 

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I met my husband when I was 14. I had had other boyfriends but nothing really long term. He was my first really serious relationship.We’ve broken up a couple times but we were always back together within a month. 
I remember always talking with my friends, sharing stories about our boyfriends and our good times and our bad times. What I notice though, when I look back, is that any time there was a conflict between my boyfriend and I and I would share the stories with my friend they’d offer helpful advice on possible solutions. The thing is, I’d always already tried their solutions and failed at resolving anything. Every time they’d say try this or try that I’d say but I have and this is how he’d respond. They said well try this then I’d say I have and this  is how he’d respond. 

In other words, there was no resolution because anything I’d try was never going to be the right answer. I tried changing my behavior. I tried changing my attitude.  I tried changing the way I spoke, my appearance, you name it.  I tried changing pretty much everything about myself to try and make him happy, to try and figure out a solution or compromise to try and fix whatever problem we’ve been having. I was in love with him and just wanted to make him happy. 

It took me a lot of years, a really long time, to finally draw line and decide that I was done changing myself to try to make him happy. The problem with that was I no longer knew who I was. I had to learn who I was all over again. In truth, I’m still figuring out who I am. See even though I decided to stop changing myself for other people I’m still the people pleaser.  I still avoid conflict and I still like everybody to be happy.

I’m not sure quite what emotion I feel when I look back at all the years I’ve changed and just done whatever I could to make him happy and realize that he never really did the same. Anger? Sadness? Confusion? Sure, you know lives changed.  We got married, became parents, got better jobs and we moved in and out of houses. Those life events changed us but personality traits and behavior? That stuff never really changed for him. 

Why are we where we are then? When I was young, I thought it was just normal ups and downs of a relationship. It wasn’t until after we were married with children and after a bout with depression that I considered the idea that there was no making him happy. That the problem wasn’t me.