Red Flag Warning #2

Standard

Anytime there is a holiday or special occasion, the Narc will make sure to cause conflict or commotion to ruin it. 

Advertisements

He bought me flowers. 

Standard

How did I know? He bought me flowers.  He ignored Valentine’s Day, ignored my birthday, he ignored Mother’s Day… but lo and behold someone posts “Happy Anniversary” to social media and he has flowers delivered to my work. Never has he ever had flowers delivered to my work. 

Oh, by the way, his response to someone wishing us a happy anniversary his was, “Oh shit!”. Not one word to me.  Never acknowledged it in anyway verbally. Matter fact, he didn’t even have his name on the card. I had to ask if he was the one who sent me flowers. My first thought was that it was my parents. My second thought was that it was his parents. When I knew it was neither of them, I asked if it was him. At that point it really would only be him. 

 Do I sound bitter? How’d you like it if someone calls your name and makes you feel like a piece of shit, doesn’t make any effort to include you in their life and then they send you a present? On top of that, for the last four months he hasn’t deposited the money into our checking account to pay the payment arrangement that he asked me to set up. Nope.  He can afford to have a dozen roses in a glass vase delivered to my work but can’t afford paying the payment arrangement that he asked to get set up. 

I can’t remember any other anniversary that he’s acknowledged. Why is this one different? I think that’s exactly what he wanted to achieve; to make me feel confused and unappreciative, to make me feel like he cares. That’s all I can think because I don’t know what other emotion I was supposed to feel. Was everything supposed to be better because I got flowers?? If someone punches you in the face and then sends you flowers, does that make it better? If they never apologize and/or never acknowledge that what they did was wrong and never acknowledge that you were hurt? Maybe that is what he thinks. 

I didn’t get him anything because as I said in my other post I was sick of putting so much thought into a gift and getting no sentiment in return. 

They were my favorite color. Long stem roses in the same color vase. (It was a pain in my ass to drive home holding onto them on the seat next to me.)  They were quite beautiful but money doesn’t buy my love. 

P.s. I told him thank you. 

15-year Wedding Anniversary 

Standard

Yep… that’s today.  Our 15-year wedding anniversary. I was going to do some posts and break it down for you of how we got here; starting from the beginning to now. 15 years into marriage, 24 years into our relationship. Instead I’m going to go in reverse.

So, here we are on our 15th wedding anniversary.  Barely speaking, barely looking at each other, barely communicating. We own our cars. We rent our house. We have two amazing teenage children. Three dogs. Separate bank accounts. From the outside I’m sure it looks good… maybe? If you don’t really know the intimate details of our household. If you don’t know what it’s really like. 

I would say I’m 100% sure that this day will not even be at knowledged by my N. But seeing how I’ve been doing my best to be a gray rock for probably the last six months or so I have a small feeling that he might do something to acknowledge it. Why? Because for the first probably 20 years of our relationship I was the one to acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries & holidays that are meant to show appreciation and love for your partner. It was only maybe four years ago that I stopped because I got tired of being the only one doing it. Of course if I’m not giving him supply by seeing my hurt from him not reciprocating, that’s when he’ll do something; because otherwise, he’s not getting the supply from my emotional response. Even if it’s just the look on my face or my general emotional state. 

Maybe I’m not giving him enough credit. Occasionally I would come home from work and there’d be some flowers sitting on the counter. I think cards from him probably stopped at least 10 years ago. Verbally acknowledging that there was a holiday or special occasion? I don’t believe that ever happened, not even in response to my verbal acknowledgment to him. 

To me, that is the most important part of a special occasion or holiday… acknowledgment. Looking at or talking to the people that you care about in your life and just saying the words. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you.”

“Happy birthday!”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Happy Anniversary.”

The acknowledgment, the words, a smile and a hug. Those things mean so much more to me than a material item. Even spending the day together or if not, just taking a moment to acknowledge it makes all difference in the world. 

I asked my kids the other day, “What would you rather have someone you care about do? Spend any part of the day with you or just being around you knowing it’s your birthday ,maybe a gift for you to come across, and them never once acknowledging it ~or~ would you rather have them acknowledge that it’s your birthday even if they didn’t have time to spend with you or money for a gift, but they made sure to give you a hug or make a call and just say ,”Hey, happy birthday. I hope you have a great day I love you.”?” 

I know which one I choose.  What about you?

It is only lunch time. I’ll edit tomorrow and let you know if anything happens.