It’s never okay


So the reason I decided to pick up the blog post again today was because something happened that I just couldn’t handle again. As I said in my previous post it’s not like nothing has happened but every once in while and it just crosses that line.

We had to put our dog to sleep last week. Last. Week. Immediately after, he was talking about getting a new puppy which I was adamantly against because I knew it would end up being me waking up with the puppy, feeding the puppy, cleaning up after the puppy, etc.

Well, two days later he went and bought a very expensive puppy. She is cute and she is smart but our priorities are not in the same place. I’ve explained in another post how much we need different things that just cost too much money and here he is spending thousands of dollars on his hot rod in the back and a new puppy.

He took good care of her for two days and then it shifted to be coming my responsibility. And when I brought it up to him he stated he thought our other dog (who is afraid of the puppy) was going to hurt her if we left her outside with him. So when I brought up that I felt like I was the one taking care of her when I was the one who said I didn’t want this right now his answer was to either just leave her in her shit her put her outside and kill the other dog if he touched her.

Meanwhile he’s texting and talking to his friends and family about how he has already potty trained her and exaggerating how the other dogs react to her.

We got her I think on Tuesday by Thursday it had become my responsibility. It’s now Saturday and when she was crying at 6 o’clock in the morning to go outside it with me who woke up from down the hallway in the room with the door closed to put her outside. Yet he was sleeping in the room right next to her. After I put her outside I want to try to go back to sleep and at about 7:30 she was barking to come back inside. again I was the one to wake up and let her inside at which point I also gave her food and water and shut her in the kennel so that I could go back to sleep. Not even 60 seconds after I had lay down again I hear him putting her outside.

I walked out there and calmly told him that I had already let her outside for an hour and her just let her back in with food and water. He responded with something like, “I didn’t know that” as I was walking back to my bed. Then he passed the bathroom in the hallway and came into the room where I was laying to use the bathroom in there. After he close the door to the back. He made a remark about how he doesn’t have to follow my rules. When he came out again calmly, I told him that I had woken up at 6 AM to let the puppy outside left her out there for an hour I tried to go back to sleep and then again woke up at 7:30 to let her inside and give her food and water. I said when I heard him put her outside I came to tell him that I had already done all of this and asked why that was a problem. He says that I lectured him and went on and on in detail about everything that I did to take care of the puppy. I objected and said I was just telling him what I did that I didn’t sign up for and that’s why that’s a problem. It escalated from there and he made some shitty remark as he walked away and now I was angry two and got to make myself some coffee. He made it like how was he supposed to know that she was doing all that when he was asleep but I was asleep too and I was much further away from her than he was and he kind a closed door and not even a minute after I had just finished doing all of this to take care of her he gets up and thinks he’s doing it and when I let him know but I had done it’s a problem and I’m lecturing him. He started talking over me not getting letting me get a sentence out and ignoring anything I was saying. I continued to calmly repeat the same sentence over and over again to which he just kept talking over me about how I’m so unreasonable and how I don’t listen and on and on about how horrible I am because he couldn’t stand to listen to what I was saying.

So I started doing it back. I started just talking about how I’m just going to talk and talk and not listen to anybody and talk about everything he says and go on and on and not hear anything and keep talking so I don’t have to listen to him and act just like he does and go on and on just like this. Well this pissed him off now I’m acting like him. It’s OK for him to treat people that way but not for people to do it to him. He turned the TV up so loud that I could not hear the coffee maker that was right in front of me. He was sitting in the recliner smiling because he was so proud of what an ass he was being and so I walked in front of him, between him and the TV. He went from smiling to giving me a threatening stare. When I started calling him out on his behavior, not yelling, he stood up and leaned forward shoulder first and pushed me away from him with his shoulder in my chest. I said wow you’re gonna rush me with your shoulder because you’re angry? I which point he got in my face yelling telling me that I was in his face and asking me if me if I wanted to go there. I said I wasn’t in your face like this I was standing in front of you. He moved and I walked away. He told me I was a cunt. Now I was furious and trembling. I told him that I was done along time ago because he was done and stopped trying and does exactly this; he gets angry and he gets physical and verbally abusive and that is never OK. I asked him if somebody was physical and verbally abusive with his daughter but whatever OK and if she should just not get mad.

I disengaged from the situation and I’m now sitting in my car to write this post and get it out of my system so I can move on in my day since it is only 8:30 in the morning on Saturday.

I’m going to put this out of my mind and focus on positive energy and raising my level of consciousness and focusing on good things.


He knows my weakness is my children.


My heart is breaking right now. My children are my world and have been since the days they came into this world. They saved my life when I was at a very low place and battling depression. Hearing about their days and being able to come to them is my everything. Watching their unique personalities grow is an amazing thing to witness. They make me so proud.

But my son is 13 and, like any boy, looks up to his dad and holds him on a pedestal. Most often I try and hold my tongue rather than point out Narc traits in his dad. My daughter is a little older and has talked to me about it herself. But, not my son. I see when he is reflecting his dad’s opinions of me. It comes across in his words and actions sometimes. While I don’t point out or question him on where he is developing these actions towards me (because I know where) I do try and point out when something is not what people ‘normally‘ do or say. In a more round about way of course. For instance, I’ll state another perspective, a more empathetic one, or suggest another less aggressive reason for someone’s actions.

My Narc husband has mentioned moving to a place about 2 hours away, near where he is currently working. It’s a more expensive area. His job moves around. He’s never at one site more than a year or two. The area he has mentioned is very populated and the traffic is much worse than what he deals with now. Sure, for the length of his job at this site it may be more convenient but what about when he goes to the next one? It’s always been a statement more in passing than a conversation and he’s only mentioned it a couple times in the past year.

My son has now started mentioning moving there to me. His dad has glamorized it to him making him consider moving there. His dad makes more money than me and he sees his dad as a financial surplus. Expensive cars and nice things sound good to anyone, especially a teenage boy.

My Narc husband decided to sit down across from me tonight and talk about moving there. It was not a conversation, he was not asking my opinion. He was stating what he wanted to do and very well might do. He went on to tell me why it would be good for our children to move there, too.

I doubt very highly that my daughter would go. She has said she doesn’t want to move until she graduates, which is only a few years away.

But, with my son. I’m not so sure. It scares me to think he’d go with his dad. The influence he’d have on him scares me. He’s still learning who he is in this world and has a big heart, intelligent mind and is talented in anything he puts his mind to. I am the one nurturing those things though. His dad is only interested in cultivating the parts of my son that can be just like him.

There is no male or female in this world that I love more than my children. I understand that they will graduate and move on in life but I’m not ready to miss out on so much of my child’s life. It puts an ache in my chest just thinking about it.

Our families live where we are now. Our resources are here. Our children’s whole life has been lived here and the majority of ours as well. I finally have a great job with reliable income and our children are thriving. I don’t see any good coming from moving until they finish high school. The area we live now is not the greatest and it’s getting worse but I have always said I wanted to move before they reached high school. We didn’t and I don’t want to move until they’ve finished school now.

Plus, I don’t honestly know that I could make such a huge move with someone who I feel doesn’t have my best interest in mind at all.

Catching up


Summertime puts my schedule in overtime. I work full-time and have two teens that want to enjoy their summer and I do my best to let them.
Going to try and make this short and sweet. Bullets are my friends. 😉

Fourth of July
– Took the kids to Lake Gregory on the 2nd. This is something we've never done before. They had a 'water park', paddle boards, pedal boats and fireworks at night. Guess who didn't go.
– Went to my parent's house as usual on the 4th to swim and BBQ. Fireworks at night. Sis-in-law and family came as usual. Had to have and unnecessary in-depth convo with the Narc because of these plans. I did an exceptional job at staying on point in just getting an answer as to whether he was coming with us or not. He tried multiple times to derail the convo into past problems and 'poor me' stuff and I didn't let it get to my emotions or change the convo track. Or not much. We were on our way out the door and already running late so I can't help but feel it was intentional.

– End of July is a traditional Laughlin trip to celebrate his elderly grandmother's birthday. Family comes from CA and CO annually. Last one I went to was 5 years ago. He's went one additional time than me in that time and the only reason I couldn't go was because I had to be in town to sign-up for the in person only, first come first serve bus sign-ups. He waited to decide to go until the Wednesday of that week and didn't inform me until Friday. He wanted to go Friday night but everyone who's ever rented a hotel in Laughlin knows that summer books up quickly and rates double if it's within two weeks of booked dates. We ended up going up on Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night.

I have to add that he paid for almost everything for the Laughlin trip, including a 16 person dinner. He paid for the gas and hotel room. Meals (except for one) and some other things.

Yet, rent was paid over a week late this month.

He still hasn't paid his half of the kids' dental bill that we paid cash for. (He told me he'd give me half for the down payment but still hasn't even though I reminded him of the date and time of their appointments multiple times leading up to them. So, I ended up having to cover it.)

Kids started school today and he didn't attempt to help with back-to-school shopping at all.

So, yah. Thank goodness I got my shit together when I did.

The wedding


Part of the reason we got married so soon after our engagement was pregnant. You know the whole thing about being married before we actually had a baby, still being just the two of us on our honeymoon, and not having to delay it more years until it was easier to have a wedding with the baby. 

He wasn’t really involved in planning the wedding which really is a very surprising, a lot of men aren’t. My friends wanted to throw me a bachelorette party but it was kind of odd seeing how I was pregnant. I had more than one conversation with him to see how he felt about it because he’s always been pretty jealous. He promised me that it wouldn’t be a problem. We ended up going to San Diego and barhopping which I didn’t really partake in because again I was pregnant. The idea got brought up about a male strip club but it just felt odd to me especially because at that point his friends had no intention that I knew of a throwing him a bachelor party and it was only about two weeks until the wedding. 

I was fine with him having a bachelor party, in fact him doing so would make me feel better about having my own bachelorette party. There is only one thing that I requested and that was if they did decide to do it to not do it the night before the wedding. 

Well guess what. After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding his friends decide they want to take him for a bachelor party… the night before the wedding. no shocker he didn’t stumble into bed until early morning hours. He was hung over late for pictures to the point where we had to do most of them after the actual wedding. He was supposed to do all the ones without me prior to the wedding. So we were pretty late getting to the reception. 

When it was time for toast at the reception my oldest brother made a toast. At the end of it he said take care of my little sister because if not we have the Air Force the army and the Navy in our family. His uncle stood up right after that and said don’t worry about that we have the CIA and our family. So, to me, that sounds like, “Don’t worry how you treat her we’ve got you covered.” And boy his whole family had a great laugh at that. That should’ve been a huge red flag to me; it angered me and cut me off guard but I had no idea what narcissism was at that time. 

When I was still eating I noticed that he had been away from our table for a while. I looked around and figured out that he was greeting everybody in the room without me. He didn’t even say anything to me or invite me to greet people with him; it was like I didn’t even exist anymore to him. 

Now mind you, I was about five months pregnant at the wedding and I had to use the restroom quite often. Every single fun traditional song or dance such as the chicken dance, the hokey pokey, YMCA (all that dorkey stuff) happened when I wasn’t even in the room. But he was.  I’m still a little butt hurt that no one noticed or cared to wait until the bride was there. 

I guess I have a hard time letting go of grudges. This was 15 years ago. I think what makes it hard to let go of it is that no one else saw anything wrong with any of it. 

He finally replied. 


More than a week after my original text asking him why he hasn’t been depositing the money that he’d agreed to, he finally replied. Not surprised that it was now a few days before Fathers Day.

Amazing how a simple question turns into a huge back and forth of avoidance and accusations. His first response was “how much is it?” I had just told him in May how much, he knows very well how much and he was avoiding what I had asked. So, I told him how much and said that really wasn’t an answer.

The reason ended up being that he forgot or bought groceries instead. Both reasons are absurd to me. Good thing I don’t ‘forget’ to pay our utility bills or cover the IRS withdrawal every month. Imagine how that would play out. When I am expecting that money to be there and it isn’t, my account could overdraft and/or I might spend money that I wouldn’t have otherwise and the IRS isn’t very forgiving . And to say he bought groceries instead… that has always been something we were both doing. His words were actually “bought pretty much all the groceries” which is not true. I never stopped buying the usual amount of groceries that I have been buying. What he did was bought dog food more often and bought some steak or other expensive meals and other random junk more often. I’d rather we cover the necessities before buying extras.

~~ Yes, I figured out that he likes to put me in this position. It usually happens when I’ve been used to him doing whatever it is and expecting it. Then, out of nowhere he stops. I learn more quickly now and make sure the money is there or expect him not to be somewhere or do something. But, I always ask anyway, giving it a chance that he’ll surprise me. ~~

Without even pausing, as soon as he gave his excuses, he tried to turn it around to put me down and ask 20 questions. Rather than explain each detail or post screen shots, I’m just going to bullet point. Each point could be a whole page of explanation.

  • Blames debt on me, then tells me my share would be 1/3, then says we’ll just make everything 50/50 (which is how it was already supposed to be) -each one contradicting the other.
  • Says since I’m asking a question, he has some of his own, which he starts asking accusing questions (i.e. Where’s my wedding ring?? -it was on my finger and always has been, Why am I the only one not invited to a girls thing??I didn’t even answer that because I haven’t gone to any girls only things and invite him to everything, which he doesn’t go to and will deny my inviting him.) Plus, about 5 more questions including a remark about being room mates and him not needing a roommate.
  • Called me plain mean (I don’t know what about, even re-reading the texts)
  • Telling me I only care about money – which doesn’t make any sense because if I only cared about getting money from him then I should be happy with our relationship.
  • After 20 years of him keeping everything separate, tells me it’s been me wanting it separate and what a pain it is.  – Yet, I practically forced him to open our joint checking account which he barely uses.
  • Telling me I haven’t contributed to our relationship financially until recently. Which is a lie or at least a huge exaggeration. ~Out of our 24 year relationship, about 6 of them was I not employed. I was at home with our children.
  • Talking in circles! Ugh! This drives me nuts. I tried extra hard to stay on track this time but not sure how much I succeeded.  – This is where he says something, I respond, he denies saying what I’m responding to and says something else, which I respond to, so he says the original thing or says I said what he started with. Obviously nothing productive ever comes from this kind of conversation.
  • Telling me I’m wrong and that I’m twisting facts

I finally had to just stop responding because it was midnight, I was tired and we both had work the next day. That totally pissed him off but the conversation was going nowhere and was exploding into something huge when all I had originally wanted to know was why he wasnt depositing the money and if he was going to be from now on. (Which he said yes he would be. But, to give you an idea how that is playing out~ the next day he got a paycheck, today is the 18th, the money gets automatically withdrawn on the 20th.)

It’s extremely hard to grey rock when you have financial obligations that include both people and when you need an answer to something. 😣

Father’s Day Gift for the Narcissist 


For almost 25 years I’ve put lots of thought, time and effort into getting just the right gift for my Narc. It should come as no surprise that it’s never the right one according to him. 

– Says he can’t use. (But then he does.)

– Says he doesn’t need. (Even though he’s been looking into buying one himself.)

– Says he doesn’t know why I’d get it for him because …

– Purposefully doesn’t touch it or use but uses other items just like it from other people. 

– Etc. etc. etc. 

So, now that I’m at a different place mentally in realizing what motivates him, I’ve come to an idea. This Father’s Day I’m going to do what he does. That is, buy him something that makes me look good being the giver, something that I say is for him but is really for me, something to send an underlying message. 

This is more difficult than I expected!

Have you tried this?

Any ideas would be great!



So, it’s been over a week since I sent the text asking my narc about money not being deposited.  I actually texted him again a couple days later asking if he was ignoring me which of course had no response. I don’t really want to bring it up in conversation. I want the response in writing because I feel like I can foresee words being twisted or some sort of gaslighting coming from it.
I have to say that last weekend I went outside to do some needed yardwork in the backyard. After being out there for about half an hour my narc came outside. Apparently he rented a tractor and was going to do some work with it moving dirt and filling in some holes. 

I’m always up for improving our yard. We are renting and I feel like it gets put off a lot so I was all for working together improving the yard. Separately but at the same time. After being out there for a few hours I ended up helping him with some of the dirt work (literally). That gave way to a small amount of verbal communication but really only anything that had to do with the task at hand.

At that point, I still hadn’t heard anything from him regarding the money being deposited and no sign of the money in the bank account. So, Monday afternoon I sent another text that read, “Still wondering why you haven’t been depositing the money for the IRS and your phone into the account.” It is now Wednesday afternoon and I still have not received a response. 

It’s obvious that he is ignoring the text because prior to my inquiry we would communicate via text probably more often than verbally. But since my inquiry, he has had zero text communication with me.