Withholding

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Control. Power. Superiority.

That’s what withholding is about with a narcissist.

Most recent example.

We are renting through one of my high school friends. It’s nice because when there is a repair that needs to be done, it’s no hassle to do it. Narc husband is fairly skilled with household matters. Just because he can doesn’t always mean he will though. Either he does the repair or we call a service person, include the receipt with the rent check and deduct the amount from the payment. He has fixed a few things (i.e. The garage door springs and the front gate.)

About a month ago our dishwasher stopped working. From what I could tell by doing google and YouTube searches, the skill level was easy and it should cost less than $100 for the parts. I sent him the links that described how to check and fix the problem. He told me he didn’t have a multimeter so he couldn’t check. I waited a couple weeks to see if he was going to attempt to fix it. My parents had one and so I borrowed it when I had a chance to go to their house. It had been broken for about 3 weeks at that point.

One thing the searches told me was that I would need to shut off the circuit breaker before opening the dishwasher. When I went and looked I saw that none of the breakers are marked. So, before I could even start trying to see what was wrong with the dishwasher I was going to have my son help me and label the breakers. Or at the least, figure out which one went to the dishwasher.

I let my landlord know that it had stopped working and asked if there was a specific repair company I needed to call. She suggested that they used Sears and thanked me for handling it. After a couple days of contemplating if I was skilled enough or had the right tools or enough time to attempt the repair, I opted to call Sears.

The repairman came and it took less than an hour for him to diagnose and repair the problem. Turned out to be the wire harness. It was actually sparking and had melted the wires a bit. I definitely wouldn’t have attempted to touch that! Lol

It turned out to be $200 which included the $99 service fee. Not bad right?

When Narc husband came home, I showed him the melted wire harness and asked if he had a screwdriver that I could use to put the base back on the dishwasher. (I had asked the repairman to leave it off so that I could clean out underneath it and clean off the base plates.)

Narc husband asked why the guy didn’t put them back on (because I asked him not to so I could clean it). He makes a comment about me telling him to leave them off without having a screwdriver to put them back on with. I ask if he has a screwdriver that’ll work and show him the screws. He says, “no” which I know is not true. I tell him about talking to the landlord and how I put the receipt on the fridge and that it was $200. He makes a comment, “just so you know, a new dishwasher only costs about $400-$500” and tell him that I know that but it wasn’t my decision anyway. For some reason, this was all a problem for him. I could tell by the look on his face, his comments and unwillingness to help me with any of it or to say any kind word. I took a closer look and see that a Phillips will work. I ask if he knows where one is and he says, “not right now.” It was about 4:30 pm.

I dropped the subject and went on with the evening. He sat a played video games and was on his phone the rest of the night and then went to sleep. (He sleeps on the living room recliner btw. But that’s a whole other post!)

So, that was yesterday. Today, I decided to look a little harder for the right screwdriver. We have two garages full of his tools and hobbies. After a couple minutes I found a toolbox. I opened it and what do you know? Not only do I find a Phillips but also find another one that will fit the screws exactly. For anyone who doesn’t know, the screws are like hexagons on the top. The tool I found had an attachment like a socket wrench that fit exactly to these little screws. It took me about 5 minutes to reattach the screws and put the tools away.

Now, I’ll just be responsible for making sure the receipt is included with the rent check since that is his portion of responsibility in regards to paying bills. And I’m sure it’ll be an issue to get him to give me the $200 that I paid from my credit card.

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Catching up

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Summertime puts my schedule in overtime. I work full-time and have two teens that want to enjoy their summer and I do my best to let them.
Going to try and make this short and sweet. Bullets are my friends. 😉

Fourth of July
– Took the kids to Lake Gregory on the 2nd. This is something we've never done before. They had a 'water park', paddle boards, pedal boats and fireworks at night. Guess who didn't go.
– Went to my parent's house as usual on the 4th to swim and BBQ. Fireworks at night. Sis-in-law and family came as usual. Had to have and unnecessary in-depth convo with the Narc because of these plans. I did an exceptional job at staying on point in just getting an answer as to whether he was coming with us or not. He tried multiple times to derail the convo into past problems and 'poor me' stuff and I didn't let it get to my emotions or change the convo track. Or not much. We were on our way out the door and already running late so I can't help but feel it was intentional.

Laughlin
– End of July is a traditional Laughlin trip to celebrate his elderly grandmother's birthday. Family comes from CA and CO annually. Last one I went to was 5 years ago. He's went one additional time than me in that time and the only reason I couldn't go was because I had to be in town to sign-up for the in person only, first come first serve bus sign-ups. He waited to decide to go until the Wednesday of that week and didn't inform me until Friday. He wanted to go Friday night but everyone who's ever rented a hotel in Laughlin knows that summer books up quickly and rates double if it's within two weeks of booked dates. We ended up going up on Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night.

I have to add that he paid for almost everything for the Laughlin trip, including a 16 person dinner. He paid for the gas and hotel room. Meals (except for one) and some other things.

Yet, rent was paid over a week late this month.

He still hasn't paid his half of the kids' dental bill that we paid cash for. (He told me he'd give me half for the down payment but still hasn't even though I reminded him of the date and time of their appointments multiple times leading up to them. So, I ended up having to cover it.)

Kids started school today and he didn't attempt to help with back-to-school shopping at all.

So, yah. Thank goodness I got my shit together when I did.

He finally replied. 

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More than a week after my original text asking him why he hasn’t been depositing the money that he’d agreed to, he finally replied. Not surprised that it was now a few days before Fathers Day.

Amazing how a simple question turns into a huge back and forth of avoidance and accusations. His first response was “how much is it?” I had just told him in May how much, he knows very well how much and he was avoiding what I had asked. So, I told him how much and said that really wasn’t an answer.

The reason ended up being that he forgot or bought groceries instead. Both reasons are absurd to me. Good thing I don’t ‘forget’ to pay our utility bills or cover the IRS withdrawal every month. Imagine how that would play out. When I am expecting that money to be there and it isn’t, my account could overdraft and/or I might spend money that I wouldn’t have otherwise and the IRS isn’t very forgiving . And to say he bought groceries instead… that has always been something we were both doing. His words were actually “bought pretty much all the groceries” which is not true. I never stopped buying the usual amount of groceries that I have been buying. What he did was bought dog food more often and bought some steak or other expensive meals and other random junk more often. I’d rather we cover the necessities before buying extras.

~~ Yes, I figured out that he likes to put me in this position. It usually happens when I’ve been used to him doing whatever it is and expecting it. Then, out of nowhere he stops. I learn more quickly now and make sure the money is there or expect him not to be somewhere or do something. But, I always ask anyway, giving it a chance that he’ll surprise me. ~~

Without even pausing, as soon as he gave his excuses, he tried to turn it around to put me down and ask 20 questions. Rather than explain each detail or post screen shots, I’m just going to bullet point. Each point could be a whole page of explanation.

  • Blames debt on me, then tells me my share would be 1/3, then says we’ll just make everything 50/50 (which is how it was already supposed to be) -each one contradicting the other.
  • Says since I’m asking a question, he has some of his own, which he starts asking accusing questions (i.e. Where’s my wedding ring?? -it was on my finger and always has been, Why am I the only one not invited to a girls thing??I didn’t even answer that because I haven’t gone to any girls only things and invite him to everything, which he doesn’t go to and will deny my inviting him.) Plus, about 5 more questions including a remark about being room mates and him not needing a roommate.
  • Called me plain mean (I don’t know what about, even re-reading the texts)
  • Telling me I only care about money – which doesn’t make any sense because if I only cared about getting money from him then I should be happy with our relationship.
  • After 20 years of him keeping everything separate, tells me it’s been me wanting it separate and what a pain it is.  – Yet, I practically forced him to open our joint checking account which he barely uses.
  • Telling me I haven’t contributed to our relationship financially until recently. Which is a lie or at least a huge exaggeration. ~Out of our 24 year relationship, about 6 of them was I not employed. I was at home with our children.
  • Talking in circles! Ugh! This drives me nuts. I tried extra hard to stay on track this time but not sure how much I succeeded.  – This is where he says something, I respond, he denies saying what I’m responding to and says something else, which I respond to, so he says the original thing or says I said what he started with. Obviously nothing productive ever comes from this kind of conversation.
  • Telling me I’m wrong and that I’m twisting facts

I finally had to just stop responding because it was midnight, I was tired and we both had work the next day. That totally pissed him off but the conversation was going nowhere and was exploding into something huge when all I had originally wanted to know was why he wasnt depositing the money and if he was going to be from now on. (Which he said yes he would be. But, to give you an idea how that is playing out~ the next day he got a paycheck, today is the 18th, the money gets automatically withdrawn on the 20th.)

It’s extremely hard to grey rock when you have financial obligations that include both people and when you need an answer to something. 😣

Red Flag Warning #2

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Anytime there is a holiday or special occasion, the Narc will make sure to cause conflict or commotion to ruin it. 

Avoidance 

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So, it’s been over a week since I sent the text asking my narc about money not being deposited.  I actually texted him again a couple days later asking if he was ignoring me which of course had no response. I don’t really want to bring it up in conversation. I want the response in writing because I feel like I can foresee words being twisted or some sort of gaslighting coming from it.
I have to say that last weekend I went outside to do some needed yardwork in the backyard. After being out there for about half an hour my narc came outside. Apparently he rented a tractor and was going to do some work with it moving dirt and filling in some holes. 

I’m always up for improving our yard. We are renting and I feel like it gets put off a lot so I was all for working together improving the yard. Separately but at the same time. After being out there for a few hours I ended up helping him with some of the dirt work (literally). That gave way to a small amount of verbal communication but really only anything that had to do with the task at hand.

At that point, I still hadn’t heard anything from him regarding the money being deposited and no sign of the money in the bank account. So, Monday afternoon I sent another text that read, “Still wondering why you haven’t been depositing the money for the IRS and your phone into the account.” It is now Wednesday afternoon and I still have not received a response. 

It’s obvious that he is ignoring the text because prior to my inquiry we would communicate via text probably more often than verbally. But since my inquiry, he has had zero text communication with me.