Oh, did you want that?

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I considered filing this in the “Red Flag” category but decided it was just more of a given.

A Narc will buy them self what they know you want.

Yesterday, he showed off his brand new 9mm and 22. I have only ever wanted a 9mm. I have no guns of my own. Our kids each have a 22, he has a couple (few?) hunting rifles, his 45, and now a 22 and a 9mm. He even knew I wanted one and took my son to go look at buying me one for Christmas. He ended up not buying it, saying he didn’t think I’d use it. Saying if I needed, I could use his 45! (Knowing damn well that I can barely keep ahold of the thing.)

Our daughter is almost to driving age. A little over a year to go. She has always said that she wanted a Jeep. She’s not picky on specifics; she just would like a Jeep. I’m more the type that would give her my car and buy myself a new one. Either that or do like I did and help her buy some cheap old thing that can get her around safely until she can purchase a car for herself. What I wouldn’t do, is buy MYSELF a new Jeep.

But my Narc husband always has to have the best and won’t buy anything less. If you say you want the $20 alarm clock, he’ll buy you the $100 one. Sounds like a good thing doesn’t it? Not to me. To me, it feels like he’s saying he knows what is better for you more than you know yourself. That he knows more about than you, etc.

So, she’s said she’d love a Jeep but is not expecting one by any means. So what does he do? He talks about how he needs a new truck. How he’ll buy himself a new truck and just let her use it for school. I don’t know about you, but I’d be scared to drive my dads new truck being a new driver. She wasn’t to keen on the idea either. Then, he started talking about cool new Jeeps and showing her pictures on car sales sites and talking about which ones are cooler.

That’s as far as we are in that issue right now. Thought I’d better write it down to reflect on in a year or two.

When our son wants something expensive, his dad has been known to go buy it and then tell our son, “It’s mine but you can use it.”

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Withholding

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Control. Power. Superiority.

That’s what withholding is about with a narcissist.

Most recent example.

We are renting through one of my high school friends. It’s nice because when there is a repair that needs to be done, it’s no hassle to do it. Narc husband is fairly skilled with household matters. Just because he can doesn’t always mean he will though. Either he does the repair or we call a service person, include the receipt with the rent check and deduct the amount from the payment. He has fixed a few things (i.e. The garage door springs and the front gate.)

About a month ago our dishwasher stopped working. From what I could tell by doing google and YouTube searches, the skill level was easy and it should cost less than $100 for the parts. I sent him the links that described how to check and fix the problem. He told me he didn’t have a multimeter so he couldn’t check. I waited a couple weeks to see if he was going to attempt to fix it. My parents had one and so I borrowed it when I had a chance to go to their house. It had been broken for about 3 weeks at that point.

One thing the searches told me was that I would need to shut off the circuit breaker before opening the dishwasher. When I went and looked I saw that none of the breakers are marked. So, before I could even start trying to see what was wrong with the dishwasher I was going to have my son help me and label the breakers. Or at the least, figure out which one went to the dishwasher.

I let my landlord know that it had stopped working and asked if there was a specific repair company I needed to call. She suggested that they used Sears and thanked me for handling it. After a couple days of contemplating if I was skilled enough or had the right tools or enough time to attempt the repair, I opted to call Sears.

The repairman came and it took less than an hour for him to diagnose and repair the problem. Turned out to be the wire harness. It was actually sparking and had melted the wires a bit. I definitely wouldn’t have attempted to touch that! Lol

It turned out to be $200 which included the $99 service fee. Not bad right?

When Narc husband came home, I showed him the melted wire harness and asked if he had a screwdriver that I could use to put the base back on the dishwasher. (I had asked the repairman to leave it off so that I could clean out underneath it and clean off the base plates.)

Narc husband asked why the guy didn’t put them back on (because I asked him not to so I could clean it). He makes a comment about me telling him to leave them off without having a screwdriver to put them back on with. I ask if he has a screwdriver that’ll work and show him the screws. He says, “no” which I know is not true. I tell him about talking to the landlord and how I put the receipt on the fridge and that it was $200. He makes a comment, “just so you know, a new dishwasher only costs about $400-$500” and tell him that I know that but it wasn’t my decision anyway. For some reason, this was all a problem for him. I could tell by the look on his face, his comments and unwillingness to help me with any of it or to say any kind word. I took a closer look and see that a Phillips will work. I ask if he knows where one is and he says, “not right now.” It was about 4:30 pm.

I dropped the subject and went on with the evening. He sat a played video games and was on his phone the rest of the night and then went to sleep. (He sleeps on the living room recliner btw. But that’s a whole other post!)

So, that was yesterday. Today, I decided to look a little harder for the right screwdriver. We have two garages full of his tools and hobbies. After a couple minutes I found a toolbox. I opened it and what do you know? Not only do I find a Phillips but also find another one that will fit the screws exactly. For anyone who doesn’t know, the screws are like hexagons on the top. The tool I found had an attachment like a socket wrench that fit exactly to these little screws. It took me about 5 minutes to reattach the screws and put the tools away.

Now, I’ll just be responsible for making sure the receipt is included with the rent check since that is his portion of responsibility in regards to paying bills. And I’m sure it’ll be an issue to get him to give me the $200 that I paid from my credit card.

Flying monkeys

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So I guess this could technically go onto red flag but I just wanted to share how they (Narcs) can turn people into flying monkeys right in front of you.

So my previous post I mention how my husband sister and her family were over at our house last weekend.

Somehow the Muslim religion got brought up between my husband narc and his sister and her husband. While I was in the same room I was not part of the conversation. I’ve stated many times to him and my kids how the terrorist attacks by Muslims are extremists. Any religion or country or belief system is going to have extremists that push the boundaries and set a bad example. Whether you agree with this is beside the point. When the conversation was going on my narc husband stated something to the effect of, “People say that the terrorists attacking us were extremists but that’s not true; they’re all like that. That’s just stupidity. ” To which his sister responded something like, “Yeah it says right there in their book that they believe everyone else should die.”

Point 1- He meant that I say that and was saying my opinion was stupidity.

Point 2- He’s having others talk about my opinion in front of me without their knowledge.

Point 3- Neither one of them have read any part of the English translation. I know because I have and they are clearly only speculating from here-say and media

reports.

About 5 minutes later somehow the conversation got turned into one about drinking alcohol. I haven’t posted about this but let me tell you he’s been on beer drinking streak. To the point where a six pack will be gone in a day or two. To the point where I buy some weird ass flavored alcoholic beverage that I know he will not like and he will drink the very last one when he has other beer to drink. (His father died from alcoholism and he talks shit about people who drink beer every day all the time.) He goes out to his garage and takes a beer with him and comes back inside multiple times to get another beer. Yet, when he was having this conversation with his sister and her husband, he told them that he rarely drinks beer. That he had a pack of beer that he ended up throwing away because it was in our refrigerator for two years and that it went bad so he had to throw it away. This is such bullshit. I don’t know WTF he is talking about. He has made accusations to me in the past saying how he could see me becoming an alcoholic when I am the one who rarely drinks and when I do drink I rarely have more than one or two drinks.

I am the one who buys a six pack and it’ll last a month or more. Anyway he told them that and then also stated how the only time he likes to drink is when he is working on his car because of the metal taste he gets in his mouth- that the beer helps get rid of it. He forgot to state the fact that he’s been working on his car every freaking day for a couple months. But that’s not drinking a lot of beer. What the fuck ever dude.

I just glanced at him and smiled and kept my mouth shut instead of stating the obvious retort about what a lie that was.

I resorted to gray rock because all that would happen from me bringing up that it was a lie would that it would look like I was creating an argument or whatever to his sister and her husband. I don’t need to point out his lies, people will see it in time.

He was making an effort to create flying monkeys of them. That’s all it was and honestly they’re his family and she has stabbed me in the back before when I went to her for help. Instead of helping us, she twisted my words around and told him her twisted version of what I said. And that was enough for him to pack his shit and leave me and his two babies.

So I’m done trying to get others to see what he does. They’ll see when he does it to them.

Red Flag #3

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Insults for everybody. Don’t worry, there’s always enough to go around.

When they aren’t insulting you directly, they are doing it indirectly.

For example, commenting on a Facebook post. Instead of commenting on the post when they don’t agree with what the reporter is saying, they comment something like, “Her forehead is huge!”

When in fact, it wasn’t really. It was maybe a 3-finger if you use that scale.

But, the comment was intentional even if the Narc denies it. It was specifically aimed at someone they know will see the comment who will in turn compare the size of their own forehead. It could also be that the Narc is so lacking in empathy that they are not even remotely considering that a lot of people they know have the same size or larger forehead and will take the comment to heart. (i.e. Their child, parent, sibling, friend, etc.)

He finally replied. 

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More than a week after my original text asking him why he hasn’t been depositing the money that he’d agreed to, he finally replied. Not surprised that it was now a few days before Fathers Day.

Amazing how a simple question turns into a huge back and forth of avoidance and accusations. His first response was “how much is it?” I had just told him in May how much, he knows very well how much and he was avoiding what I had asked. So, I told him how much and said that really wasn’t an answer.

The reason ended up being that he forgot or bought groceries instead. Both reasons are absurd to me. Good thing I don’t ‘forget’ to pay our utility bills or cover the IRS withdrawal every month. Imagine how that would play out. When I am expecting that money to be there and it isn’t, my account could overdraft and/or I might spend money that I wouldn’t have otherwise and the IRS isn’t very forgiving . And to say he bought groceries instead… that has always been something we were both doing. His words were actually “bought pretty much all the groceries” which is not true. I never stopped buying the usual amount of groceries that I have been buying. What he did was bought dog food more often and bought some steak or other expensive meals and other random junk more often. I’d rather we cover the necessities before buying extras.

~~ Yes, I figured out that he likes to put me in this position. It usually happens when I’ve been used to him doing whatever it is and expecting it. Then, out of nowhere he stops. I learn more quickly now and make sure the money is there or expect him not to be somewhere or do something. But, I always ask anyway, giving it a chance that he’ll surprise me. ~~

Without even pausing, as soon as he gave his excuses, he tried to turn it around to put me down and ask 20 questions. Rather than explain each detail or post screen shots, I’m just going to bullet point. Each point could be a whole page of explanation.

  • Blames debt on me, then tells me my share would be 1/3, then says we’ll just make everything 50/50 (which is how it was already supposed to be) -each one contradicting the other.
  • Says since I’m asking a question, he has some of his own, which he starts asking accusing questions (i.e. Where’s my wedding ring?? -it was on my finger and always has been, Why am I the only one not invited to a girls thing??I didn’t even answer that because I haven’t gone to any girls only things and invite him to everything, which he doesn’t go to and will deny my inviting him.) Plus, about 5 more questions including a remark about being room mates and him not needing a roommate.
  • Called me plain mean (I don’t know what about, even re-reading the texts)
  • Telling me I only care about money – which doesn’t make any sense because if I only cared about getting money from him then I should be happy with our relationship.
  • After 20 years of him keeping everything separate, tells me it’s been me wanting it separate and what a pain it is.  – Yet, I practically forced him to open our joint checking account which he barely uses.
  • Telling me I haven’t contributed to our relationship financially until recently. Which is a lie or at least a huge exaggeration. ~Out of our 24 year relationship, about 6 of them was I not employed. I was at home with our children.
  • Talking in circles! Ugh! This drives me nuts. I tried extra hard to stay on track this time but not sure how much I succeeded.  – This is where he says something, I respond, he denies saying what I’m responding to and says something else, which I respond to, so he says the original thing or says I said what he started with. Obviously nothing productive ever comes from this kind of conversation.
  • Telling me I’m wrong and that I’m twisting facts

I finally had to just stop responding because it was midnight, I was tired and we both had work the next day. That totally pissed him off but the conversation was going nowhere and was exploding into something huge when all I had originally wanted to know was why he wasnt depositing the money and if he was going to be from now on. (Which he said yes he would be. But, to give you an idea how that is playing out~ the next day he got a paycheck, today is the 18th, the money gets automatically withdrawn on the 20th.)

It’s extremely hard to grey rock when you have financial obligations that include both people and when you need an answer to something. 😣

Red Flag Warning #2

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Anytime there is a holiday or special occasion, the Narc will make sure to cause conflict or commotion to ruin it. 

Avoidance 

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So, it’s been over a week since I sent the text asking my narc about money not being deposited.  I actually texted him again a couple days later asking if he was ignoring me which of course had no response. I don’t really want to bring it up in conversation. I want the response in writing because I feel like I can foresee words being twisted or some sort of gaslighting coming from it.
I have to say that last weekend I went outside to do some needed yardwork in the backyard. After being out there for about half an hour my narc came outside. Apparently he rented a tractor and was going to do some work with it moving dirt and filling in some holes. 

I’m always up for improving our yard. We are renting and I feel like it gets put off a lot so I was all for working together improving the yard. Separately but at the same time. After being out there for a few hours I ended up helping him with some of the dirt work (literally). That gave way to a small amount of verbal communication but really only anything that had to do with the task at hand.

At that point, I still hadn’t heard anything from him regarding the money being deposited and no sign of the money in the bank account. So, Monday afternoon I sent another text that read, “Still wondering why you haven’t been depositing the money for the IRS and your phone into the account.” It is now Wednesday afternoon and I still have not received a response. 

It’s obvious that he is ignoring the text because prior to my inquiry we would communicate via text probably more often than verbally. But since my inquiry, he has had zero text communication with me.