He finally replied. 

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More than a week after my original text asking him why he hasn’t been depositing the money that he’d agreed to, he finally replied. Not surprised that it was now a few days before Fathers Day.

Amazing how a simple question turns into a huge back and forth of avoidance and accusations. His first response was “how much is it?” I had just told him in May how much, he knows very well how much and he was avoiding what I had asked. So, I told him how much and said that really wasn’t an answer.

The reason ended up being that he forgot or bought groceries instead. Both reasons are absurd to me. Good thing I don’t ‘forget’ to pay our utility bills or cover the IRS withdrawal every month. Imagine how that would play out. When I am expecting that money to be there and it isn’t, my account could overdraft and/or I might spend money that I wouldn’t have otherwise and the IRS isn’t very forgiving . And to say he bought groceries instead… that has always been something we were both doing. His words were actually “bought pretty much all the groceries” which is not true. I never stopped buying the usual amount of groceries that I have been buying. What he did was bought dog food more often and bought some steak or other expensive meals and other random junk more often. I’d rather we cover the necessities before buying extras.

~~ Yes, I figured out that he likes to put me in this position. It usually happens when I’ve been used to him doing whatever it is and expecting it. Then, out of nowhere he stops. I learn more quickly now and make sure the money is there or expect him not to be somewhere or do something. But, I always ask anyway, giving it a chance that he’ll surprise me. ~~

Without even pausing, as soon as he gave his excuses, he tried to turn it around to put me down and ask 20 questions. Rather than explain each detail or post screen shots, I’m just going to bullet point. Each point could be a whole page of explanation.

  • Blames debt on me, then tells me my share would be 1/3, then says we’ll just make everything 50/50 (which is how it was already supposed to be) -each one contradicting the other.
  • Says since I’m asking a question, he has some of his own, which he starts asking accusing questions (i.e. Where’s my wedding ring?? -it was on my finger and always has been, Why am I the only one not invited to a girls thing??I didn’t even answer that because I haven’t gone to any girls only things and invite him to everything, which he doesn’t go to and will deny my inviting him.) Plus, about 5 more questions including a remark about being room mates and him not needing a roommate.
  • Called me plain mean (I don’t know what about, even re-reading the texts)
  • Telling me I only care about money – which doesn’t make any sense because if I only cared about getting money from him then I should be happy with our relationship.
  • After 20 years of him keeping everything separate, tells me it’s been me wanting it separate and what a pain it is.  – Yet, I practically forced him to open our joint checking account which he barely uses.
  • Telling me I haven’t contributed to our relationship financially until recently. Which is a lie or at least a huge exaggeration. ~Out of our 24 year relationship, about 6 of them was I not employed. I was at home with our children.
  • Talking in circles! Ugh! This drives me nuts. I tried extra hard to stay on track this time but not sure how much I succeeded.  – This is where he says something, I respond, he denies saying what I’m responding to and says something else, which I respond to, so he says the original thing or says I said what he started with. Obviously nothing productive ever comes from this kind of conversation.
  • Telling me I’m wrong and that I’m twisting facts

I finally had to just stop responding because it was midnight, I was tired and we both had work the next day. That totally pissed him off but the conversation was going nowhere and was exploding into something huge when all I had originally wanted to know was why he wasnt depositing the money and if he was going to be from now on. (Which he said yes he would be. But, to give you an idea how that is playing out~ the next day he got a paycheck, today is the 18th, the money gets automatically withdrawn on the 20th.)

It’s extremely hard to grey rock when you have financial obligations that include both people and when you need an answer to something. 😣

Lies

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I’m so blind to lies. Or at least, I have been. I always noticed how he would tell the same stories over and over. Sometimes, he’d forget that he already told me and tell me again. Sometimes, he’d told so many other people that he’d think he had told me, when he really had not. Something would happen and I’d hear him tell as many people as possible. Phone calls, everyone he’d see and any chance he had, he’d tell the story. I really thought he was just so consumed with himself and liked to hear himself talk that he would tell it just to say something. I always thought the best way to make friends is to ask them questions and learn about them. He doesn’t ever do that. He talks about himself or talks about things other people do and his reaction. Self justification? Conceited? I don’t know. ~ A couple years ago I caught him in a lie. He caught a charge on his credit card for a porn site. He adamantly declined that it was a charge that he accrued himself and even called his bank and the charging party and told them that they needed to drop the charge because it wasn’t his. I knew it was his. I’d seen search histories. But, I never let on that I knew. I never called him on it. Since then, I notice when he does this thing of telling the same story over and over. There is a lie in there. Is he telling everyone to cover his ass? Is he telling everyone to see if his story is believable? Is he telling it so much so that he’ll believe his own story? ~ Have you experienced anything like this? What is a telltale sign of a lie that you have witnessed? 

Mind games

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Curious what this looks like to others. How would you analyze this? 

This is a conversation from 13 years of marriage, 20 year relationship. 

I knew things were wrong but I wasn’t able to realize there was narcissism involved until more than a year after this conversation happened. (Notice the last two messages of the conversation and the time stamps.)

Side note- these conversations don’t happen anymore for obvious reasons. I am doing my best to be the grey rock since learning what narcissism is.