Oh, did you want that?

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I considered filing this in the “Red Flag” category but decided it was just more of a given.

A Narc will buy them self what they know you want.

Yesterday, he showed off his brand new 9mm and 22. I have only ever wanted a 9mm. I have no guns of my own. Our kids each have a 22, he has a couple (few?) hunting rifles, his 45, and now a 22 and a 9mm. He even knew I wanted one and took my son to go look at buying me one for Christmas. He ended up not buying it, saying he didn’t think I’d use it. Saying if I needed, I could use his 45! (Knowing damn well that I can barely keep ahold of the thing.)

Our daughter is almost to driving age. A little over a year to go. She has always said that she wanted a Jeep. She’s not picky on specifics; she just would like a Jeep. I’m more the type that would give her my car and buy myself a new one. Either that or do like I did and help her buy some cheap old thing that can get her around safely until she can purchase a car for herself. What I wouldn’t do, is buy MYSELF a new Jeep.

But my Narc husband always has to have the best and won’t buy anything less. If you say you want the $20 alarm clock, he’ll buy you the $100 one. Sounds like a good thing doesn’t it? Not to me. To me, it feels like he’s saying he knows what is better for you more than you know yourself. That he knows more about than you, etc.

So, she’s said she’d love a Jeep but is not expecting one by any means. So what does he do? He talks about how he needs a new truck. How he’ll buy himself a new truck and just let her use it for school. I don’t know about you, but I’d be scared to drive my dads new truck being a new driver. She wasn’t to keen on the idea either. Then, he started talking about cool new Jeeps and showing her pictures on car sales sites and talking about which ones are cooler.

That’s as far as we are in that issue right now. Thought I’d better write it down to reflect on in a year or two.

When our son wants something expensive, his dad has been known to go buy it and then tell our son, “It’s mine but you can use it.”

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He knows my weakness is my children.

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My heart is breaking right now. My children are my world and have been since the days they came into this world. They saved my life when I was at a very low place and battling depression. Hearing about their days and being able to come to them is my everything. Watching their unique personalities grow is an amazing thing to witness. They make me so proud.

But my son is 13 and, like any boy, looks up to his dad and holds him on a pedestal. Most often I try and hold my tongue rather than point out Narc traits in his dad. My daughter is a little older and has talked to me about it herself. But, not my son. I see when he is reflecting his dad’s opinions of me. It comes across in his words and actions sometimes. While I don’t point out or question him on where he is developing these actions towards me (because I know where) I do try and point out when something is not what people ‘normally‘ do or say. In a more round about way of course. For instance, I’ll state another perspective, a more empathetic one, or suggest another less aggressive reason for someone’s actions.

My Narc husband has mentioned moving to a place about 2 hours away, near where he is currently working. It’s a more expensive area. His job moves around. He’s never at one site more than a year or two. The area he has mentioned is very populated and the traffic is much worse than what he deals with now. Sure, for the length of his job at this site it may be more convenient but what about when he goes to the next one? It’s always been a statement more in passing than a conversation and he’s only mentioned it a couple times in the past year.

My son has now started mentioning moving there to me. His dad has glamorized it to him making him consider moving there. His dad makes more money than me and he sees his dad as a financial surplus. Expensive cars and nice things sound good to anyone, especially a teenage boy.

My Narc husband decided to sit down across from me tonight and talk about moving there. It was not a conversation, he was not asking my opinion. He was stating what he wanted to do and very well might do. He went on to tell me why it would be good for our children to move there, too.

I doubt very highly that my daughter would go. She has said she doesn’t want to move until she graduates, which is only a few years away.

But, with my son. I’m not so sure. It scares me to think he’d go with his dad. The influence he’d have on him scares me. He’s still learning who he is in this world and has a big heart, intelligent mind and is talented in anything he puts his mind to. I am the one nurturing those things though. His dad is only interested in cultivating the parts of my son that can be just like him.

There is no male or female in this world that I love more than my children. I understand that they will graduate and move on in life but I’m not ready to miss out on so much of my child’s life. It puts an ache in my chest just thinking about it.

Our families live where we are now. Our resources are here. Our children’s whole life has been lived here and the majority of ours as well. I finally have a great job with reliable income and our children are thriving. I don’t see any good coming from moving until they finish high school. The area we live now is not the greatest and it’s getting worse but I have always said I wanted to move before they reached high school. We didn’t and I don’t want to move until they’ve finished school now.

Plus, I don’t honestly know that I could make such a huge move with someone who I feel doesn’t have my best interest in mind at all.

Status post – Father’s Day

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 So, I ended up just letting the kids decide what to get their dad for Father’s Day. After all, they are old enough to put some thought into it and he is their dad, not mine. I offered some suggestions but they had a hard time finding anything he’d like or want and anything they did find was a few hundred dollars. All 3 of us had completely different ideas from our experiences with the him of what he wanted or would like. We spent more than 4 hours shopping for gifts. 

The day before Fathers Day, we went to my parents house to spend time with my dad. We swam and BBQd and I gave a card and some new tennis shoes to my dad (which he appreciated and thanked us for). I invited my Narc husband to go with us but he declined. ~This really bothers me because he hasn’t had very many male “father figures” in his life and my dad has always treated him like a son. That is a whole other blog post, though.~ 

On FD, our kids gave him cards and gifts in the morning. His initial response to the gift my son chose was, “You guys will use this more than I will.” His response to the gift my daughter chose wasnt much. But you could tell from his bland, blank expression that he wasn’t impressed with anything she chose except the candy. After he opened them he mumbled a weak, “thank you” to them. It really broke my heart because we spent a lot of time going to different stores, spent a decent amount of money and put A LOT of thought into good gifts for him. 

I went to the grocery store and bought steaks among other thing to BBQ for dinner that night. After dinner and having a beer, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. Meaning on Netflix or On Demand. ~Totally breaking grey rock. I’m not sure why I did except that I wanted to watch a movie anyway and he was sitting in the other room by himself, pouting i.m.o.~ He said he wanted to go to the theater and so we did. 

The next day, he sent me a text message thanking me for a nice day. He also told me that he paid off the rest of his phone bill. Was that supposed to be a reward for doing right by him on FD? Because I didn’t do anything different than I’ve done every other FD. 

Funny how when a Narc starts trying something different to get a reaction or to see if you’ll match them, THAT IS WHEN they notice what you do for them. 

The wedding

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Part of the reason we got married so soon after our engagement was pregnant. You know the whole thing about being married before we actually had a baby, still being just the two of us on our honeymoon, and not having to delay it more years until it was easier to have a wedding with the baby. 

He wasn’t really involved in planning the wedding which really is a very surprising, a lot of men aren’t. My friends wanted to throw me a bachelorette party but it was kind of odd seeing how I was pregnant. I had more than one conversation with him to see how he felt about it because he’s always been pretty jealous. He promised me that it wouldn’t be a problem. We ended up going to San Diego and barhopping which I didn’t really partake in because again I was pregnant. The idea got brought up about a male strip club but it just felt odd to me especially because at that point his friends had no intention that I knew of a throwing him a bachelor party and it was only about two weeks until the wedding. 

I was fine with him having a bachelor party, in fact him doing so would make me feel better about having my own bachelorette party. There is only one thing that I requested and that was if they did decide to do it to not do it the night before the wedding. 

Well guess what. After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding his friends decide they want to take him for a bachelor party… the night before the wedding. no shocker he didn’t stumble into bed until early morning hours. He was hung over late for pictures to the point where we had to do most of them after the actual wedding. He was supposed to do all the ones without me prior to the wedding. So we were pretty late getting to the reception. 

When it was time for toast at the reception my oldest brother made a toast. At the end of it he said take care of my little sister because if not we have the Air Force the army and the Navy in our family. His uncle stood up right after that and said don’t worry about that we have the CIA and our family. So, to me, that sounds like, “Don’t worry how you treat her we’ve got you covered.” And boy his whole family had a great laugh at that. That should’ve been a huge red flag to me; it angered me and cut me off guard but I had no idea what narcissism was at that time. 

When I was still eating I noticed that he had been away from our table for a while. I looked around and figured out that he was greeting everybody in the room without me. He didn’t even say anything to me or invite me to greet people with him; it was like I didn’t even exist anymore to him. 

Now mind you, I was about five months pregnant at the wedding and I had to use the restroom quite often. Every single fun traditional song or dance such as the chicken dance, the hokey pokey, YMCA (all that dorkey stuff) happened when I wasn’t even in the room. But he was.  I’m still a little butt hurt that no one noticed or cared to wait until the bride was there. 

I guess I have a hard time letting go of grudges. This was 15 years ago. I think what makes it hard to let go of it is that no one else saw anything wrong with any of it. 

Father’s Day Gift for the Narcissist¬†

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For almost 25 years I’ve put lots of thought, time and effort into getting just the right gift for my Narc. It should come as no surprise that it’s never the right one according to him. 

– Says he can’t use. (But then he does.)

– Says he doesn’t need. (Even though he’s been looking into buying one himself.)

– Says he doesn’t know why I’d get it for him because …

– Purposefully doesn’t touch it or use but uses other items just like it from other people. 

– Etc. etc. etc. 

So, now that I’m at a different place mentally in realizing what motivates him, I’ve come to an idea. This Father’s Day I’m going to do what he does. That is, buy him something that makes me look good being the giver, something that I say is for him but is really for me, something to send an underlying message. 

This is more difficult than I expected!

Have you tried this?

Any ideas would be great!

Avoidance 

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So, it’s been over a week since I sent the text asking my narc about money not being deposited.  I actually texted him again a couple days later asking if he was ignoring me which of course had no response. I don’t really want to bring it up in conversation. I want the response in writing because I feel like I can foresee words being twisted or some sort of gaslighting coming from it.
I have to say that last weekend I went outside to do some needed yardwork in the backyard. After being out there for about half an hour my narc came outside. Apparently he rented a tractor and was going to do some work with it moving dirt and filling in some holes. 

I’m always up for improving our yard. We are renting and I feel like it gets put off a lot so I was all for working together improving the yard. Separately but at the same time. After being out there for a few hours I ended up helping him with some of the dirt work (literally). That gave way to a small amount of verbal communication but really only anything that had to do with the task at hand.

At that point, I still hadn’t heard anything from him regarding the money being deposited and no sign of the money in the bank account. So, Monday afternoon I sent another text that read, “Still wondering why you haven’t been depositing the money for the IRS and your phone into the account.” It is now Wednesday afternoon and I still have not received a response. 

It’s obvious that he is ignoring the text because prior to my inquiry we would communicate via text probably more often than verbally. But since my inquiry, he has had zero text communication with me. 

What is this?!

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It’s my typical Mother’s Day. 

So, I did sleep in a little. I woke up around 9:30, made myself some coffee and took a shower.  I had made plans to go to my mom’s house with the kids for a barbecue, to spend some time with my mom and show her she was appreciated. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do on Mother’s Day?

 When we were getting close to leaving I asked if he was going to come with us. He said, “No”.  We had a nice day with my mom and enjoyed some good food. We came home around 6:30.  He wasn’t there but he came home a little later. All of us just  kind of lounged around the house for a couple hours. Just preparing for Monday school and work.  

He went to bed around 10 PM. I changed into PJs, plugged in my phone to charge next to me on the chair and sat down to watch some Netflix.  I just wanted to relax and get that tired feeling so I could go to sleep as soon as I went to bed. I started drifting to sleep. Around 11:30 PM my dog that was on the couch across from me growled.  I looked up at him and he was looking behind me! I quietly said, “Hey, what are you doing?” to my dog.  I turned to look and he was standing behind me with daggers coming out of his eyes!  It really caught me off guard and all I could say was, “He was growling.”  The Narc’s face completely changed and he chuckled.  He repeated my words back to me and he went back to bed.

 I drifted off to sleep again and I woke to the sound of the floor creaking behind me.  I noticed he was walking down the hallway to go back to bed again.  Around midnight (this is my typical bedtime), I turned everything off to go to bed.  I couldn’t find my phone. I looked in and around the chair everywhere. It wasn’t anywhere on the chair where I had plugged it in.  I went and found my daughters cell so that I could call my phone.  I found it sitting on the banister,  unplugged from the charger, right behind where I had been sitting; right around where the floor would have been creeking.  It was so confusing! I knew I had been falling asleep but I was 100% certain that it had been plugged in next to me.  On my way to the bedroom I stopped and asked my daughter if she had used my phone.  She said, “No.”  I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on.  Maybe he thought I was up to something??  I had that weird anxiety feeling in my gut. My dog had been growling.  Floorboards had been creaking. He’d been walking around behind me and going to bed again and again. It felt like I was imagining things! 

I decided that I didn’t want to start anything at midnight. (Grey rock, right??) When I went to the bedroom to lay down he was still awake in bed and reading on his phone.  I set my alarm and went to sleep.

Unsurprisingly, he didn’t even acknowledge it was Mother’s Day.  No smile. No happy Mother’s Day. No hug.  No attempt to spend any time with me and the kids.  Typical of every holiday I suppose. 

My questions to whomever is reading this is this~ Would you have asked him what he had been doing or just let it lie? 

What do you think was happening with this type of behavior?