Status post – Father’s Day

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 So, I ended up just letting the kids decide what to get their dad for Father’s Day. After all, they are old enough to put some thought into it and he is their dad, not mine. I offered some suggestions but they had a hard time finding anything he’d like or want and anything they did find was a few hundred dollars. All 3 of us had completely different ideas from our experiences with the him of what he wanted or would like. We spent more than 4 hours shopping for gifts. 

The day before Fathers Day, we went to my parents house to spend time with my dad. We swam and BBQd and I gave a card and some new tennis shoes to my dad (which he appreciated and thanked us for). I invited my Narc husband to go with us but he declined. ~This really bothers me because he hasn’t had very many male “father figures” in his life and my dad has always treated him like a son. That is a whole other blog post, though.~ 

On FD, our kids gave him cards and gifts in the morning. His initial response to the gift my son chose was, “You guys will use this more than I will.” His response to the gift my daughter chose wasnt much. But you could tell from his bland, blank expression that he wasn’t impressed with anything she chose except the candy. After he opened them he mumbled a weak, “thank you” to them. It really broke my heart because we spent a lot of time going to different stores, spent a decent amount of money and put A LOT of thought into good gifts for him. 

I went to the grocery store and bought steaks among other thing to BBQ for dinner that night. After dinner and having a beer, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. Meaning on Netflix or On Demand. ~Totally breaking grey rock. I’m not sure why I did except that I wanted to watch a movie anyway and he was sitting in the other room by himself, pouting i.m.o.~ He said he wanted to go to the theater and so we did. 

The next day, he sent me a text message thanking me for a nice day. He also told me that he paid off the rest of his phone bill. Was that supposed to be a reward for doing right by him on FD? Because I didn’t do anything different than I’ve done every other FD. 

Funny how when a Narc starts trying something different to get a reaction or to see if you’ll match them, THAT IS WHEN they notice what you do for them. 

He finally replied. 

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More than a week after my original text asking him why he hasn’t been depositing the money that he’d agreed to, he finally replied. Not surprised that it was now a few days before Fathers Day.

Amazing how a simple question turns into a huge back and forth of avoidance and accusations. His first response was “how much is it?” I had just told him in May how much, he knows very well how much and he was avoiding what I had asked. So, I told him how much and said that really wasn’t an answer.

The reason ended up being that he forgot or bought groceries instead. Both reasons are absurd to me. Good thing I don’t ‘forget’ to pay our utility bills or cover the IRS withdrawal every month. Imagine how that would play out. When I am expecting that money to be there and it isn’t, my account could overdraft and/or I might spend money that I wouldn’t have otherwise and the IRS isn’t very forgiving . And to say he bought groceries instead… that has always been something we were both doing. His words were actually “bought pretty much all the groceries” which is not true. I never stopped buying the usual amount of groceries that I have been buying. What he did was bought dog food more often and bought some steak or other expensive meals and other random junk more often. I’d rather we cover the necessities before buying extras.

~~ Yes, I figured out that he likes to put me in this position. It usually happens when I’ve been used to him doing whatever it is and expecting it. Then, out of nowhere he stops. I learn more quickly now and make sure the money is there or expect him not to be somewhere or do something. But, I always ask anyway, giving it a chance that he’ll surprise me. ~~

Without even pausing, as soon as he gave his excuses, he tried to turn it around to put me down and ask 20 questions. Rather than explain each detail or post screen shots, I’m just going to bullet point. Each point could be a whole page of explanation.

  • Blames debt on me, then tells me my share would be 1/3, then says we’ll just make everything 50/50 (which is how it was already supposed to be) -each one contradicting the other.
  • Says since I’m asking a question, he has some of his own, which he starts asking accusing questions (i.e. Where’s my wedding ring?? -it was on my finger and always has been, Why am I the only one not invited to a girls thing??I didn’t even answer that because I haven’t gone to any girls only things and invite him to everything, which he doesn’t go to and will deny my inviting him.) Plus, about 5 more questions including a remark about being room mates and him not needing a roommate.
  • Called me plain mean (I don’t know what about, even re-reading the texts)
  • Telling me I only care about money – which doesn’t make any sense because if I only cared about getting money from him then I should be happy with our relationship.
  • After 20 years of him keeping everything separate, tells me it’s been me wanting it separate and what a pain it is.  – Yet, I practically forced him to open our joint checking account which he barely uses.
  • Telling me I haven’t contributed to our relationship financially until recently. Which is a lie or at least a huge exaggeration. ~Out of our 24 year relationship, about 6 of them was I not employed. I was at home with our children.
  • Talking in circles! Ugh! This drives me nuts. I tried extra hard to stay on track this time but not sure how much I succeeded.  – This is where he says something, I respond, he denies saying what I’m responding to and says something else, which I respond to, so he says the original thing or says I said what he started with. Obviously nothing productive ever comes from this kind of conversation.
  • Telling me I’m wrong and that I’m twisting facts

I finally had to just stop responding because it was midnight, I was tired and we both had work the next day. That totally pissed him off but the conversation was going nowhere and was exploding into something huge when all I had originally wanted to know was why he wasnt depositing the money and if he was going to be from now on. (Which he said yes he would be. But, to give you an idea how that is playing out~ the next day he got a paycheck, today is the 18th, the money gets automatically withdrawn on the 20th.)

It’s extremely hard to grey rock when you have financial obligations that include both people and when you need an answer to something. 😣

Journaling

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I’ve always been one to write things down. I used to write just because I liked the feel of pen on paper. I’d practice cursive and printing, big letters and small letters, my signature. Often, people compliment me on my penmanship.

So, no surprise, poetry and journaling became a way for me to sort through my feelings. It also became a way for me to get into trouble!

When I was a teenager, I had a period of time where I would sneak out at night. I know, I know. I am so lucky that no harm ever came to me. But, one night, things didn’t go as planned and I ran late getting home. (Red flag!) Guess who I was with? Yep, my Narc. When I arrived at home, guess who had found my stash of hoarded notes from friends detailing everything that I kept secret?! Yep, my mom. 😣

More recently, my Narc came across a well hidden collection of journal writings that I had stashed away in a moving box. An actual journal would have been too obvious so I’d just grab the closest thing to write on and scribble out my messy feelings. These accumulated for years. We have moved many times since I stashed them away and I am the only one who goes through the boxes to decide what to keep or throw away so I wasn’t worried. Heck, I really didn’t even remember that they were there until they were thrown (figuratively) in my face.  My Narc decided to go through the boxes just to dishevel them and see what I must be hiding. ~We’re talking about things written over TEN years ago.~ Sure enough, he brought them up and told me how messed up it was that I had written such horrible things about him. When in actuality, what I had written was my own account of arguments or different situations. He told me how unfair that was to him that I would write these things down and how not-normal it is for people to do that.

Every self help thing I’ve ever read or heard tells you to journal! Even better is to not go back and re-read what you write. It’s a way to get it out of your system. It’s what I’m doing now. I told him basically that. He didn’t have much more to say. It was obvious that his view on me journaling didn’t alter by what I said, though.

A few weeks ago I went through the boxes and threw away a ton of stuff. Trash cans full of stuff! Among that stuff was old poems that I had written. Dark, depressing and hopeless poems of a teenager starting a relationship with a narcissist with no clue of what she was in for. Ramblings about a twisted relationship that was just beginning.

I briefly glanced at some of the things I wrote. They made me cringe. They took me right back to those moments when I wrote them. I don’t need to read them to remember. Now, I look back and quite clearly see what was happening. It makes my stomach turn to remember how I felt.

It brought me great pleasure to throw them away in the trash.