I am the king! 👑

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My son has taken interest in guitar. It started with a ukulele and then an acoustic guitar. He’s been playing those for a few months and is self taught. His musical skill impresses me; especially because I have none. Lol

I love when he comes out of his room just to sit with me and show off what he has learned. He’s always asking me, “what song is this?” It’s pretty comical how bad I am at recognizing songs, and it’s not at all a reflection of his talent.

Today, we were doing just this. We had gone down to the local guitar place that we’d never been to and I bought him some new picks. (sp?) We looked at some inexpensive electric guitars they had for sale as he’s been talking about how much he wants one. He’s especially interested in learned bass guitar. They also offer lessons there. It they’re kind of pricey. You get four 1/2 hour lessons a month for $90. Maybe that’s just my thriftiness showing through. He said he’d really like a bass guitar for Christmas but I told him, if he finds a decent used one that I can afford, he wouldn’t need to wait until Christmas. They had a brand new one there for $199. That’s a pretty good deal but a little above my price range. I told him that if he could get his dad to pay half, we could probably do it.

So, we’re sitting in the living room and he’s playing his guitar and ukulele when his dad got home. His dad walks passed us and does a little chuckle as he’s walking by us. There was nothing to laugh at. Then, he comes out of the bathroom a couple minutes later and goes in the kitchen. My son tells him, “Hey dad, you what I want? A bass guitar.” He was trying to get a dialogue going with his dad. He’s told me before, that is how he gets his dad to EVEN CONSIDER buying him something that he (his dad) is not really interested in as a hobby of his own.

His dad looks at him and says, “No.”

Then he looks over to me and says, “See how I did that?”, with a smirk on his face. Then he went back to going through his papers he has scattered around the counter.

I just ignored him. Grey rock. I was fuming inside.

Then he follows up by saying, “You know what I want?”

I couldn’t hold my tongue. I laughed and said, “Nothing? Because you buy everything you want?”

He ignored me and said, “Someone to clean up the dog poop.”

I could feel the heat rising up in me and caught myself and held my tongue. Grey rock.

Let me say, he does NOTHING around the house! If anything, he could AT LEAST take out the trash and clean up the dog poop. Heaven knows he doesn’t do anything but wash his own laundry. Which, I’ll add, is in a huge heap in our garage, by his own choosing! He barely ever even puts his dirty dishes in the sink, let alone rinse them off! Or hell, even throw his damn trash away! I don’t even GO IN that room because it makes me so angry!

I look over at my son and he hasn’t even moved since he last spoke. I can see the wheels turning in his mind as he stares off at nothing. I know what he’s feeling. I’ve been there. He’s blaming himself; he’s wondering what he said wrong; he’s asking himself if he asks for too much; he’s thinking he just blew his chance of getting that guitar before Christmas. It breaks my heart.

The only thing I could think to say was, “Well, I think it’d be cool if you had one.”

My husband then says, “You know what else I want? …someone to put a trash bag back in the trash can when they take the trash out.” To which I replied, “Oh, that was me.” My son said something like, “Ha! It wasn’t me.” His dad responded with, “Well just blame (our daughter) since she’s not in here.” (Like now he’s light hearted and joking around)

I wanted to yell so badly! I wanted to say one of the hundred responses I had running through my mind.

~”Because why would you have to do anything to help around here?!”

~”Way to crush a kids’ spirit!”

~”Wow!”

I can’t even remember everything I was thinking in that moment. It was all I could do to ignore it. Grey rock.

I’m going to talk to my son when his dad’s not around and ask what he was thinking when his dad responded like that. Try and make sure he’s not feeling like he said something wrong.

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Oh, did you want that?

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I considered filing this in the “Red Flag” category but decided it was just more of a given.

A Narc will buy them self what they know you want.

Yesterday, he showed off his brand new 9mm and 22. I have only ever wanted a 9mm. I have no guns of my own. Our kids each have a 22, he has a couple (few?) hunting rifles, his 45, and now a 22 and a 9mm. He even knew I wanted one and took my son to go look at buying me one for Christmas. He ended up not buying it, saying he didn’t think I’d use it. Saying if I needed, I could use his 45! (Knowing damn well that I can barely keep ahold of the thing.)

Our daughter is almost to driving age. A little over a year to go. She has always said that she wanted a Jeep. She’s not picky on specifics; she just would like a Jeep. I’m more the type that would give her my car and buy myself a new one. Either that or do like I did and help her buy some cheap old thing that can get her around safely until she can purchase a car for herself. What I wouldn’t do, is buy MYSELF a new Jeep.

But my Narc husband always has to have the best and won’t buy anything less. If you say you want the $20 alarm clock, he’ll buy you the $100 one. Sounds like a good thing doesn’t it? Not to me. To me, it feels like he’s saying he knows what is better for you more than you know yourself. That he knows more about than you, etc.

So, she’s said she’d love a Jeep but is not expecting one by any means. So what does he do? He talks about how he needs a new truck. How he’ll buy himself a new truck and just let her use it for school. I don’t know about you, but I’d be scared to drive my dads new truck being a new driver. She wasn’t to keen on the idea either. Then, he started talking about cool new Jeeps and showing her pictures on car sales sites and talking about which ones are cooler.

That’s as far as we are in that issue right now. Thought I’d better write it down to reflect on in a year or two.

When our son wants something expensive, his dad has been known to go buy it and then tell our son, “It’s mine but you can use it.”

Dinner time

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So, the last post (always the good guy) was just the icing on the cake. It might sound like I am irritated with my kids but I’m not really. I am irritated when I see him doing to them what he has done to me, and I feel so stuck because if I ever try to point things like that out to my kids, they see it as me just putting their dad down because we don’t get along. That is completely understandable but I’m not sure what to do.

If I tell them what i see happening and they don’t, then it seems like I am just putting him down.

If I don’t tell them, I’m afraid they are blaming themselves or that they are adopting his ways without realizing it and see nothing wrong with it.

Let me explain about dinnertime. This could be a really long post if I go into too much detail so I’ll try to hold back. There came a point when I completely stopped trying to eat as a family at the dinner table. I got tired of clearing the crap off the table to eat. Most of which was my husbands. (I’m positive he’d deny that though.) When I did manage to clean it off, he’d always eat after us. We’d be about done when he’d finally get up to get his plate. Usually because he’d been playing video games. (In the same room.)

So, now we eat wherever. A lot of the time, none of us eat at the same time, let alone sit together. Many times I’ve made meals big enough for the four of us and ended up throwing most of it away because it didn’t get eaten. Sometimes, I’d ask my husband if he was going to eat because it had been sitting there so long and he’d say “I didn’t know it was ready” (when he is literally 10-15 feet away and in a direct line of sight from where I’m making it and where everyone is making their plates) or he’d say yes but then not eat for another length of time; at which point it had been sitting out too long to refrigerate imo.

I’ve never been the type to force my kids to eat what I make. If they decide they don’t want it, they’re on their own though. I’m not going to make everyone a separate meal. So, when I make food I ask who wants what I’m making and about how much.

That brings me to tonight.

When I asked my son if he wanted any he replied by telling me he didn’t want fish. But then proceeded to tell me he’d eat one or two when I was confirming that he didn’t want any. I then asked him if he’d want some Mac n cheese (which is filling on its own) to which he replied “I don’t care”. I asked if he’d eat it if I made it to which he again replied “I don’t care”. I asked for a yes or no and he got irritated and said yes and that he’d already told me I don’t care. I explained that I don’t care wasn’t a yes or no answer and that I was asking him specifically because I knew he didn’t want the fish. My Narc husband was sitting off to the side and smirking. I’m sure he was gloating inside at his son learning to talk to me that way from him. Gloating at how my son was getting frustrated because I am so difficult to communicate with.

When I asked my daughter, she said she’d eat 3 or 4. I figured 4 for myself and 4 for their dad. There were about 14 in the box so I only made the one box instead of two. I took my 4, my son went in the kitchen and grabbed a couple (I didn’t see how many) along with a comment like “oh, these freakin things” and my daughter came in to get hers but only grabbed 3, leaving 4 on the plate. She asked, “How many did you make? There’s only 4 left.”

I got so frustrated. I got up and looked and saw there was 4 left. Exactly what I had planned. I stated how many everyone had said they wanted and that was exactly how much I had made. I explained that I wasn’t going to make twice as many as that when everyone had been saying they really didn’t want many. She asked why I was so mad. I told her because I ask everyone how many they want and they act like they don’t even want it and then I’m asked why I didn’t make more.

All of this is going on, like I said earlier, about 10-15 feet away from their dad. About 15 minutes later, he goes in the kitchen and begins making something else. Steak for shish-kabobs that he had bought for camping while hunting. I said “You’re making something else?” He went on to say that he didn’t dare eat without knowing if everyone else ate already. HIS behavior is what trained our children to delay coming to eat dinner when it’s ready. He has come in before and eaten everything that’s left without asking if everyone has eaten. I said all it takes is asking THREE WORDS… “Has everybody eaten?” He looked at me like that was an insane concept.

I went back and told my daughter that he was making something else so if she wanted more fish, it was there at the moment. I came back and sat down and he turned around and went into her room. I don’t know what was said but that is when my daughter came out, gave me a kiss, and told me she loved me and then went into the kitchen and tried to have a conversation about hunting with her dad.

I don’t know what happened to the remaining fish except that someone ate it because when I went in there to wash the pan, they were gone.

Withholding

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Control. Power. Superiority.

That’s what withholding is about with a narcissist.

Most recent example.

We are renting through one of my high school friends. It’s nice because when there is a repair that needs to be done, it’s no hassle to do it. Narc husband is fairly skilled with household matters. Just because he can doesn’t always mean he will though. Either he does the repair or we call a service person, include the receipt with the rent check and deduct the amount from the payment. He has fixed a few things (i.e. The garage door springs and the front gate.)

About a month ago our dishwasher stopped working. From what I could tell by doing google and YouTube searches, the skill level was easy and it should cost less than $100 for the parts. I sent him the links that described how to check and fix the problem. He told me he didn’t have a multimeter so he couldn’t check. I waited a couple weeks to see if he was going to attempt to fix it. My parents had one and so I borrowed it when I had a chance to go to their house. It had been broken for about 3 weeks at that point.

One thing the searches told me was that I would need to shut off the circuit breaker before opening the dishwasher. When I went and looked I saw that none of the breakers are marked. So, before I could even start trying to see what was wrong with the dishwasher I was going to have my son help me and label the breakers. Or at the least, figure out which one went to the dishwasher.

I let my landlord know that it had stopped working and asked if there was a specific repair company I needed to call. She suggested that they used Sears and thanked me for handling it. After a couple days of contemplating if I was skilled enough or had the right tools or enough time to attempt the repair, I opted to call Sears.

The repairman came and it took less than an hour for him to diagnose and repair the problem. Turned out to be the wire harness. It was actually sparking and had melted the wires a bit. I definitely wouldn’t have attempted to touch that! Lol

It turned out to be $200 which included the $99 service fee. Not bad right?

When Narc husband came home, I showed him the melted wire harness and asked if he had a screwdriver that I could use to put the base back on the dishwasher. (I had asked the repairman to leave it off so that I could clean out underneath it and clean off the base plates.)

Narc husband asked why the guy didn’t put them back on (because I asked him not to so I could clean it). He makes a comment about me telling him to leave them off without having a screwdriver to put them back on with. I ask if he has a screwdriver that’ll work and show him the screws. He says, “no” which I know is not true. I tell him about talking to the landlord and how I put the receipt on the fridge and that it was $200. He makes a comment, “just so you know, a new dishwasher only costs about $400-$500” and tell him that I know that but it wasn’t my decision anyway. For some reason, this was all a problem for him. I could tell by the look on his face, his comments and unwillingness to help me with any of it or to say any kind word. I took a closer look and see that a Phillips will work. I ask if he knows where one is and he says, “not right now.” It was about 4:30 pm.

I dropped the subject and went on with the evening. He sat a played video games and was on his phone the rest of the night and then went to sleep. (He sleeps on the living room recliner btw. But that’s a whole other post!)

So, that was yesterday. Today, I decided to look a little harder for the right screwdriver. We have two garages full of his tools and hobbies. After a couple minutes I found a toolbox. I opened it and what do you know? Not only do I find a Phillips but also find another one that will fit the screws exactly. For anyone who doesn’t know, the screws are like hexagons on the top. The tool I found had an attachment like a socket wrench that fit exactly to these little screws. It took me about 5 minutes to reattach the screws and put the tools away.

Now, I’ll just be responsible for making sure the receipt is included with the rent check since that is his portion of responsibility in regards to paying bills. And I’m sure it’ll be an issue to get him to give me the $200 that I paid from my credit card.

Typical

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Me: “We’re just having leftovers or whatever for dinner tonight. There’s chicken from last night in there.”

Narc: “The chicken from last night.”

Me: “Yah.”

Narc: “Where’d you get that chicken?”

Me: “Stater Bros.”

Narc: “What kind was it? It was really rubbery. I could barely pull it apart.”

Me: “It was fresh organic, thin cut chicken. ”

Narc: “Oh, I must have just got a bad piece.”

It was Chicken Marsala. Something that I’d only cooked twice. I usually get a big bag of frozen chicken to have on hand but I had bought fresh chicken because it was a dish I don’t normally cook. There was nothing rubbery about it.

McGregor vs Mayweather

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So, last weekend when he invited his sister and her family over to watch the McGregor Mayweather fight on pay-per-view mind you I paid the TV bill. There is an option however on Xbox to watch pay-per-view via an app. Whenever anybody else is around you make sure to be extra happy and nice with them and completely ignore me and anything I say to him is an inconvenience and imposing on his conversation with the other people. I’m treated like a child who keeps saying, ” Daddy, daddy, daddy…” when he’s trying to have a conversation with the adults.

The event was due to start in less than 10 minutes and we had a house full of people with nothing to eat. The usual is pizza so I asked his sister and that’s what she suggested so I asked the narc, my husband, if that’s what he was planning on and he all but ignored me. Basically, she had to ask him what to order when I was putting the order in online. I was trying to get his attention and find out what he wanted me to order since the whole thing was their idea and I had could really care less whether we watch this fight or not. I don’t know how ordering food and picking it up became my responsibility. But I did because I wanted to eat and I knew my kids wanted to eat. When it came time to enter the payment information he was so irritated that I would even ask him and said he just give me cash. Then, proceeded to ignore me again. I got my purse and everything was ready to walk out the door and had to just stand there next to him until he decided to pay me enough attention to give me the cash to go pay for the pizza for this event that he invited everybody over for.

I probably sound a little salty and I am. I don’t mind having his family over I don’t mind watching sports events like this on TV but when I had nothing to do with the planning on it I don’t understand why any of it is my responsibility to take over on. I don’t understand why I have to do 20 questions to get an answer. If I knew he was paying the TV bill and we are watching something on pay-per-view, I would make sure that either I gave him the money for it or let him know that I wasn’t purchasing it on the TV and I was purchasing it on my Xbox. That’s just common courtesy. Why would someone even let the other person wonder about that and not explain to them or not ask them or just include them period.

I’ll tell you why. Because what are my options now? Because the purchase was made when I had left to go pick up the pizza for everybody and I don’t know if it was being viewed through the TV or Xbox; now I have to ask. No big deal, right?

I can guarantee it will be a big deal or at the least I will be made to seem like I’m assuming he’s going to take advantage of me. When really I’m just trying to make sure I have my bases covered. My brother-in-law and my husband we’re going to go halves on $100 pay-per-view event. I’ll be damned if I’m going to get stuck paying that hundred dollars for something that I didn’t even care if I watched. I know it’ll end up getting paid for but he’s going to make it so I have to ask for the money from him if it’s being purchased through the TV. And if it was being purchased through the Xbox then I’m going to be the bad guy for even asking if it was purchased on the TV.

Red Flag #3

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Insults for everybody. Don’t worry, there’s always enough to go around.

When they aren’t insulting you directly, they are doing it indirectly.

For example, commenting on a Facebook post. Instead of commenting on the post when they don’t agree with what the reporter is saying, they comment something like, “Her forehead is huge!”

When in fact, it wasn’t really. It was maybe a 3-finger if you use that scale.

But, the comment was intentional even if the Narc denies it. It was specifically aimed at someone they know will see the comment who will in turn compare the size of their own forehead. It could also be that the Narc is so lacking in empathy that they are not even remotely considering that a lot of people they know have the same size or larger forehead and will take the comment to heart. (i.e. Their child, parent, sibling, friend, etc.)