It’s never okay


So the reason I decided to pick up the blog post again today was because something happened that I just couldn’t handle again. As I said in my previous post it’s not like nothing has happened but every once in while and it just crosses that line.

We had to put our dog to sleep last week. Last. Week. Immediately after, he was talking about getting a new puppy which I was adamantly against because I knew it would end up being me waking up with the puppy, feeding the puppy, cleaning up after the puppy, etc.

Well, two days later he went and bought a very expensive puppy. She is cute and she is smart but our priorities are not in the same place. I’ve explained in another post how much we need different things that just cost too much money and here he is spending thousands of dollars on his hot rod in the back and a new puppy.

He took good care of her for two days and then it shifted to be coming my responsibility. And when I brought it up to him he stated he thought our other dog (who is afraid of the puppy) was going to hurt her if we left her outside with him. So when I brought up that I felt like I was the one taking care of her when I was the one who said I didn’t want this right now his answer was to either just leave her in her shit her put her outside and kill the other dog if he touched her.

Meanwhile he’s texting and talking to his friends and family about how he has already potty trained her and exaggerating how the other dogs react to her.

We got her I think on Tuesday by Thursday it had become my responsibility. It’s now Saturday and when she was crying at 6 o’clock in the morning to go outside it with me who woke up from down the hallway in the room with the door closed to put her outside. Yet he was sleeping in the room right next to her. After I put her outside I want to try to go back to sleep and at about 7:30 she was barking to come back inside. again I was the one to wake up and let her inside at which point I also gave her food and water and shut her in the kennel so that I could go back to sleep. Not even 60 seconds after I had lay down again I hear him putting her outside.

I walked out there and calmly told him that I had already let her outside for an hour and her just let her back in with food and water. He responded with something like, “I didn’t know that” as I was walking back to my bed. Then he passed the bathroom in the hallway and came into the room where I was laying to use the bathroom in there. After he close the door to the back. He made a remark about how he doesn’t have to follow my rules. When he came out again calmly, I told him that I had woken up at 6 AM to let the puppy outside left her out there for an hour I tried to go back to sleep and then again woke up at 7:30 to let her inside and give her food and water. I said when I heard him put her outside I came to tell him that I had already done all of this and asked why that was a problem. He says that I lectured him and went on and on in detail about everything that I did to take care of the puppy. I objected and said I was just telling him what I did that I didn’t sign up for and that’s why that’s a problem. It escalated from there and he made some shitty remark as he walked away and now I was angry two and got to make myself some coffee. He made it like how was he supposed to know that she was doing all that when he was asleep but I was asleep too and I was much further away from her than he was and he kind a closed door and not even a minute after I had just finished doing all of this to take care of her he gets up and thinks he’s doing it and when I let him know but I had done it’s a problem and I’m lecturing him. He started talking over me not getting letting me get a sentence out and ignoring anything I was saying. I continued to calmly repeat the same sentence over and over again to which he just kept talking over me about how I’m so unreasonable and how I don’t listen and on and on about how horrible I am because he couldn’t stand to listen to what I was saying.

So I started doing it back. I started just talking about how I’m just going to talk and talk and not listen to anybody and talk about everything he says and go on and on and not hear anything and keep talking so I don’t have to listen to him and act just like he does and go on and on just like this. Well this pissed him off now I’m acting like him. It’s OK for him to treat people that way but not for people to do it to him. He turned the TV up so loud that I could not hear the coffee maker that was right in front of me. He was sitting in the recliner smiling because he was so proud of what an ass he was being and so I walked in front of him, between him and the TV. He went from smiling to giving me a threatening stare. When I started calling him out on his behavior, not yelling, he stood up and leaned forward shoulder first and pushed me away from him with his shoulder in my chest. I said wow you’re gonna rush me with your shoulder because you’re angry? I which point he got in my face yelling telling me that I was in his face and asking me if me if I wanted to go there. I said I wasn’t in your face like this I was standing in front of you. He moved and I walked away. He told me I was a cunt. Now I was furious and trembling. I told him that I was done along time ago because he was done and stopped trying and does exactly this; he gets angry and he gets physical and verbally abusive and that is never OK. I asked him if somebody was physical and verbally abusive with his daughter but whatever OK and if she should just not get mad.

I disengaged from the situation and I’m now sitting in my car to write this post and get it out of my system so I can move on in my day since it is only 8:30 in the morning on Saturday.

I’m going to put this out of my mind and focus on positive energy and raising my level of consciousness and focusing on good things.


It’s been too long


I’ve been doing a lot of work on raising my level of consciousness and vibration and I’ve been really struggling trying to avoid confrontation. It’s been a while since I’ve written a post to vent my feelings, maybe that’s part of it. I didn’t want to write a post because I was feeling like it would be putting attention on negative energy and in that case increasing the negative energy but I think when I write it down when it happens it’s easier for me to then release it without revisiting it in my mind over and over again.

Just because I haven’t written anything doesn’t mean nothing has happened. It’s been mostly words, names and/or actions to be controlling or to hurt my feelings. The last time he did something I didn’t even write a blog post I just did a private Snapchat video of myself because I was to shaken up that I couldn’t even write it down. He was flipping out in the garage going on and on talking to him self loudly and I crushing cans. I couldn’t hear everything he was saying but could make out some things. He was saying things like stupid bitch and why don’t you fucking…? He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me so I can only assume it was about me. I sent him a text after that asking him if I was who he was talking about and he never responded. He ignored that text like I never sent it.

There’s also been many times where we were going somewhere as a family and he didn’t want to be involved. Things like Magic Mountain, all the holidays that just passed, he didn’t come to any of my family functions. My parents just had their 50th wedding anniversary. My brothers and I put together the whole party and he didn’t contribute in anyway and didn’t even show up for the party. My mom has an annual family gathering after Christmas. He didn’t come to that either. Basically, anytime I have invited him to do anything with us, he didn’t go. Besides the name calling that continues here and there, mostly as a something he says as he’s passing me or in another room has continued. Those times when he’s talking to himself, so angry about this and that, seem to have gotten more frequent.

Like I said, I’ve been trying to ignore him and not write it down and put it behind me and focus on positive but there is a great tension release when I can write it down and have it documented and move on from it. So I can just try to live life every day without how he feels about me I feel determining how I feel about myself.

Red Flag #4


I have a thing about farting and burping around others. Probably just my ‘proper Catholic’ upbringing. My parents were very much that way. I’m pretty accepting and easygoing and am not like my parents in a lot of ways.

But this stuck with me. If you have to fart or burp, if you can’t excuse yourself or hide it, at least say, “excuse me.”

Especially farting. I know everyone does it but I also know that no one likes the smell of shit! Walk away, go to the bathroom, open a window or spray some air freshener.

Burping is whatever, as long as it’s not in my face. Both can even be funny occasionally. But again, just excuse yourself.

Well, he knows this about me. He knows I try and teach our kids this.

So what does he do? He burps and farts as much ass he can make himself. Especially when it’s silent. Especially when I’m not paying any attention. EVERY TIME he stands up or walks by, he will do one or the other.

It’s quite disgusting and immature and reminds me of a child being bad to get attention. But for someone who claims that he is a great husband… well.

I do not respond or even visibly acknowledge that I hear or notice. But, I can see out of the corner of my eye, him looking to see if it got a reaction from me this time.

Dinner time


So, the last post (always the good guy) was just the icing on the cake. It might sound like I am irritated with my kids but I’m not really. I am irritated when I see him doing to them what he has done to me, and I feel so stuck because if I ever try to point things like that out to my kids, they see it as me just putting their dad down because we don’t get along. That is completely understandable but I’m not sure what to do.

If I tell them what i see happening and they don’t, then it seems like I am just putting him down.

If I don’t tell them, I’m afraid they are blaming themselves or that they are adopting his ways without realizing it and see nothing wrong with it.

Let me explain about dinnertime. This could be a really long post if I go into too much detail so I’ll try to hold back. There came a point when I completely stopped trying to eat as a family at the dinner table. I got tired of clearing the crap off the table to eat. Most of which was my husbands. (I’m positive he’d deny that though.) When I did manage to clean it off, he’d always eat after us. We’d be about done when he’d finally get up to get his plate. Usually because he’d been playing video games. (In the same room.)

So, now we eat wherever. A lot of the time, none of us eat at the same time, let alone sit together. Many times I’ve made meals big enough for the four of us and ended up throwing most of it away because it didn’t get eaten. Sometimes, I’d ask my husband if he was going to eat because it had been sitting there so long and he’d say “I didn’t know it was ready” (when he is literally 10-15 feet away and in a direct line of sight from where I’m making it and where everyone is making their plates) or he’d say yes but then not eat for another length of time; at which point it had been sitting out too long to refrigerate imo.

I’ve never been the type to force my kids to eat what I make. If they decide they don’t want it, they’re on their own though. I’m not going to make everyone a separate meal. So, when I make food I ask who wants what I’m making and about how much.

That brings me to tonight.

When I asked my son if he wanted any he replied by telling me he didn’t want fish. But then proceeded to tell me he’d eat one or two when I was confirming that he didn’t want any. I then asked him if he’d want some Mac n cheese (which is filling on its own) to which he replied “I don’t care”. I asked if he’d eat it if I made it to which he again replied “I don’t care”. I asked for a yes or no and he got irritated and said yes and that he’d already told me I don’t care. I explained that I don’t care wasn’t a yes or no answer and that I was asking him specifically because I knew he didn’t want the fish. My Narc husband was sitting off to the side and smirking. I’m sure he was gloating inside at his son learning to talk to me that way from him. Gloating at how my son was getting frustrated because I am so difficult to communicate with.

When I asked my daughter, she said she’d eat 3 or 4. I figured 4 for myself and 4 for their dad. There were about 14 in the box so I only made the one box instead of two. I took my 4, my son went in the kitchen and grabbed a couple (I didn’t see how many) along with a comment like “oh, these freakin things” and my daughter came in to get hers but only grabbed 3, leaving 4 on the plate. She asked, “How many did you make? There’s only 4 left.”

I got so frustrated. I got up and looked and saw there was 4 left. Exactly what I had planned. I stated how many everyone had said they wanted and that was exactly how much I had made. I explained that I wasn’t going to make twice as many as that when everyone had been saying they really didn’t want many. She asked why I was so mad. I told her because I ask everyone how many they want and they act like they don’t even want it and then I’m asked why I didn’t make more.

All of this is going on, like I said earlier, about 10-15 feet away from their dad. About 15 minutes later, he goes in the kitchen and begins making something else. Steak for shish-kabobs that he had bought for camping while hunting. I said “You’re making something else?” He went on to say that he didn’t dare eat without knowing if everyone else ate already. HIS behavior is what trained our children to delay coming to eat dinner when it’s ready. He has come in before and eaten everything that’s left without asking if everyone has eaten. I said all it takes is asking THREE WORDS… “Has everybody eaten?” He looked at me like that was an insane concept.

I went back and told my daughter that he was making something else so if she wanted more fish, it was there at the moment. I came back and sat down and he turned around and went into her room. I don’t know what was said but that is when my daughter came out, gave me a kiss, and told me she loved me and then went into the kitchen and tried to have a conversation about hunting with her dad.

I don’t know what happened to the remaining fish except that someone ate it because when I went in there to wash the pan, they were gone.



Me: “We’re just having leftovers or whatever for dinner tonight. There’s chicken from last night in there.”

Narc: “The chicken from last night.”

Me: “Yah.”

Narc: “Where’d you get that chicken?”

Me: “Stater Bros.”

Narc: “What kind was it? It was really rubbery. I could barely pull it apart.”

Me: “It was fresh organic, thin cut chicken. ”

Narc: “Oh, I must have just got a bad piece.”

It was Chicken Marsala. Something that I’d only cooked twice. I usually get a big bag of frozen chicken to have on hand but I had bought fresh chicken because it was a dish I don’t normally cook. There was nothing rubbery about it.

Flying monkeys


So I guess this could technically go onto red flag but I just wanted to share how they (Narcs) can turn people into flying monkeys right in front of you.

So my previous post I mention how my husband sister and her family were over at our house last weekend.

Somehow the Muslim religion got brought up between my husband narc and his sister and her husband. While I was in the same room I was not part of the conversation. I’ve stated many times to him and my kids how the terrorist attacks by Muslims are extremists. Any religion or country or belief system is going to have extremists that push the boundaries and set a bad example. Whether you agree with this is beside the point. When the conversation was going on my narc husband stated something to the effect of, “People say that the terrorists attacking us were extremists but that’s not true; they’re all like that. That’s just stupidity. ” To which his sister responded something like, “Yeah it says right there in their book that they believe everyone else should die.”

Point 1- He meant that I say that and was saying my opinion was stupidity.

Point 2- He’s having others talk about my opinion in front of me without their knowledge.

Point 3- Neither one of them have read any part of the English translation. I know because I have and they are clearly only speculating from here-say and media


About 5 minutes later somehow the conversation got turned into one about drinking alcohol. I haven’t posted about this but let me tell you he’s been on beer drinking streak. To the point where a six pack will be gone in a day or two. To the point where I buy some weird ass flavored alcoholic beverage that I know he will not like and he will drink the very last one when he has other beer to drink. (His father died from alcoholism and he talks shit about people who drink beer every day all the time.) He goes out to his garage and takes a beer with him and comes back inside multiple times to get another beer. Yet, when he was having this conversation with his sister and her husband, he told them that he rarely drinks beer. That he had a pack of beer that he ended up throwing away because it was in our refrigerator for two years and that it went bad so he had to throw it away. This is such bullshit. I don’t know WTF he is talking about. He has made accusations to me in the past saying how he could see me becoming an alcoholic when I am the one who rarely drinks and when I do drink I rarely have more than one or two drinks.

I am the one who buys a six pack and it’ll last a month or more. Anyway he told them that and then also stated how the only time he likes to drink is when he is working on his car because of the metal taste he gets in his mouth- that the beer helps get rid of it. He forgot to state the fact that he’s been working on his car every freaking day for a couple months. But that’s not drinking a lot of beer. What the fuck ever dude.

I just glanced at him and smiled and kept my mouth shut instead of stating the obvious retort about what a lie that was.

I resorted to gray rock because all that would happen from me bringing up that it was a lie would that it would look like I was creating an argument or whatever to his sister and her husband. I don’t need to point out his lies, people will see it in time.

He was making an effort to create flying monkeys of them. That’s all it was and honestly they’re his family and she has stabbed me in the back before when I went to her for help. Instead of helping us, she twisted my words around and told him her twisted version of what I said. And that was enough for him to pack his shit and leave me and his two babies.

So I’m done trying to get others to see what he does. They’ll see when he does it to them.

He knows my weakness is my children.


My heart is breaking right now. My children are my world and have been since the days they came into this world. They saved my life when I was at a very low place and battling depression. Hearing about their days and being able to come to them is my everything. Watching their unique personalities grow is an amazing thing to witness. They make me so proud.

But my son is 13 and, like any boy, looks up to his dad and holds him on a pedestal. Most often I try and hold my tongue rather than point out Narc traits in his dad. My daughter is a little older and has talked to me about it herself. But, not my son. I see when he is reflecting his dad’s opinions of me. It comes across in his words and actions sometimes. While I don’t point out or question him on where he is developing these actions towards me (because I know where) I do try and point out when something is not what people ‘normally‘ do or say. In a more round about way of course. For instance, I’ll state another perspective, a more empathetic one, or suggest another less aggressive reason for someone’s actions.

My Narc husband has mentioned moving to a place about 2 hours away, near where he is currently working. It’s a more expensive area. His job moves around. He’s never at one site more than a year or two. The area he has mentioned is very populated and the traffic is much worse than what he deals with now. Sure, for the length of his job at this site it may be more convenient but what about when he goes to the next one? It’s always been a statement more in passing than a conversation and he’s only mentioned it a couple times in the past year.

My son has now started mentioning moving there to me. His dad has glamorized it to him making him consider moving there. His dad makes more money than me and he sees his dad as a financial surplus. Expensive cars and nice things sound good to anyone, especially a teenage boy.

My Narc husband decided to sit down across from me tonight and talk about moving there. It was not a conversation, he was not asking my opinion. He was stating what he wanted to do and very well might do. He went on to tell me why it would be good for our children to move there, too.

I doubt very highly that my daughter would go. She has said she doesn’t want to move until she graduates, which is only a few years away.

But, with my son. I’m not so sure. It scares me to think he’d go with his dad. The influence he’d have on him scares me. He’s still learning who he is in this world and has a big heart, intelligent mind and is talented in anything he puts his mind to. I am the one nurturing those things though. His dad is only interested in cultivating the parts of my son that can be just like him.

There is no male or female in this world that I love more than my children. I understand that they will graduate and move on in life but I’m not ready to miss out on so much of my child’s life. It puts an ache in my chest just thinking about it.

Our families live where we are now. Our resources are here. Our children’s whole life has been lived here and the majority of ours as well. I finally have a great job with reliable income and our children are thriving. I don’t see any good coming from moving until they finish high school. The area we live now is not the greatest and it’s getting worse but I have always said I wanted to move before they reached high school. We didn’t and I don’t want to move until they’ve finished school now.

Plus, I don’t honestly know that I could make such a huge move with someone who I feel doesn’t have my best interest in mind at all.