Red Flag #4

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I have a thing about farting and burping around others. Probably just my ‘proper Catholic’ upbringing. My parents were very much that way. I’m pretty accepting and easygoing and am not like my parents in a lot of ways.

But this stuck with me. If you have to fart or burp, if you can’t excuse yourself or hide it, at least say, “excuse me.”

Especially farting. I know everyone does it but I also know that no one likes the smell of shit! Walk away, go to the bathroom, open a window or spray some air freshener.

Burping is whatever, as long as it’s not in my face. Both can even be funny occasionally. But again, just excuse yourself.

Well, he knows this about me. He knows I try and teach our kids this.

So what does he do? He burps and farts as much ass he can make himself. Especially when it’s silent. Especially when I’m not paying any attention. EVERY TIME he stands up or walks by, he will do one or the other.

It’s quite disgusting and immature and reminds me of a child being bad to get attention. But for someone who claims that he is a great husband… well.

I do not respond or even visibly acknowledge that I hear or notice. But, I can see out of the corner of my eye, him looking to see if it got a reaction from me this time.

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Dinner time

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So, the last post (always the good guy) was just the icing on the cake. It might sound like I am irritated with my kids but I’m not really. I am irritated when I see him doing to them what he has done to me, and I feel so stuck because if I ever try to point things like that out to my kids, they see it as me just putting their dad down because we don’t get along. That is completely understandable but I’m not sure what to do.

If I tell them what i see happening and they don’t, then it seems like I am just putting him down.

If I don’t tell them, I’m afraid they are blaming themselves or that they are adopting his ways without realizing it and see nothing wrong with it.

Let me explain about dinnertime. This could be a really long post if I go into too much detail so I’ll try to hold back. There came a point when I completely stopped trying to eat as a family at the dinner table. I got tired of clearing the crap off the table to eat. Most of which was my husbands. (I’m positive he’d deny that though.) When I did manage to clean it off, he’d always eat after us. We’d be about done when he’d finally get up to get his plate. Usually because he’d been playing video games. (In the same room.)

So, now we eat wherever. A lot of the time, none of us eat at the same time, let alone sit together. Many times I’ve made meals big enough for the four of us and ended up throwing most of it away because it didn’t get eaten. Sometimes, I’d ask my husband if he was going to eat because it had been sitting there so long and he’d say “I didn’t know it was ready” (when he is literally 10-15 feet away and in a direct line of sight from where I’m making it and where everyone is making their plates) or he’d say yes but then not eat for another length of time; at which point it had been sitting out too long to refrigerate imo.

I’ve never been the type to force my kids to eat what I make. If they decide they don’t want it, they’re on their own though. I’m not going to make everyone a separate meal. So, when I make food I ask who wants what I’m making and about how much.

That brings me to tonight.

When I asked my son if he wanted any he replied by telling me he didn’t want fish. But then proceeded to tell me he’d eat one or two when I was confirming that he didn’t want any. I then asked him if he’d want some Mac n cheese (which is filling on its own) to which he replied “I don’t care”. I asked if he’d eat it if I made it to which he again replied “I don’t care”. I asked for a yes or no and he got irritated and said yes and that he’d already told me I don’t care. I explained that I don’t care wasn’t a yes or no answer and that I was asking him specifically because I knew he didn’t want the fish. My Narc husband was sitting off to the side and smirking. I’m sure he was gloating inside at his son learning to talk to me that way from him. Gloating at how my son was getting frustrated because I am so difficult to communicate with.

When I asked my daughter, she said she’d eat 3 or 4. I figured 4 for myself and 4 for their dad. There were about 14 in the box so I only made the one box instead of two. I took my 4, my son went in the kitchen and grabbed a couple (I didn’t see how many) along with a comment like “oh, these freakin things” and my daughter came in to get hers but only grabbed 3, leaving 4 on the plate. She asked, “How many did you make? There’s only 4 left.”

I got so frustrated. I got up and looked and saw there was 4 left. Exactly what I had planned. I stated how many everyone had said they wanted and that was exactly how much I had made. I explained that I wasn’t going to make twice as many as that when everyone had been saying they really didn’t want many. She asked why I was so mad. I told her because I ask everyone how many they want and they act like they don’t even want it and then I’m asked why I didn’t make more.

All of this is going on, like I said earlier, about 10-15 feet away from their dad. About 15 minutes later, he goes in the kitchen and begins making something else. Steak for shish-kabobs that he had bought for camping while hunting. I said “You’re making something else?” He went on to say that he didn’t dare eat without knowing if everyone else ate already. HIS behavior is what trained our children to delay coming to eat dinner when it’s ready. He has come in before and eaten everything that’s left without asking if everyone has eaten. I said all it takes is asking THREE WORDS… “Has everybody eaten?” He looked at me like that was an insane concept.

I went back and told my daughter that he was making something else so if she wanted more fish, it was there at the moment. I came back and sat down and he turned around and went into her room. I don’t know what was said but that is when my daughter came out, gave me a kiss, and told me she loved me and then went into the kitchen and tried to have a conversation about hunting with her dad.

I don’t know what happened to the remaining fish except that someone ate it because when I went in there to wash the pan, they were gone.

Typical

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Me: “We’re just having leftovers or whatever for dinner tonight. There’s chicken from last night in there.”

Narc: “The chicken from last night.”

Me: “Yah.”

Narc: “Where’d you get that chicken?”

Me: “Stater Bros.”

Narc: “What kind was it? It was really rubbery. I could barely pull it apart.”

Me: “It was fresh organic, thin cut chicken. ”

Narc: “Oh, I must have just got a bad piece.”

It was Chicken Marsala. Something that I’d only cooked twice. I usually get a big bag of frozen chicken to have on hand but I had bought fresh chicken because it was a dish I don’t normally cook. There was nothing rubbery about it.

Flying monkeys

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So I guess this could technically go onto red flag but I just wanted to share how they (Narcs) can turn people into flying monkeys right in front of you.

So my previous post I mention how my husband sister and her family were over at our house last weekend.

Somehow the Muslim religion got brought up between my husband narc and his sister and her husband. While I was in the same room I was not part of the conversation. I’ve stated many times to him and my kids how the terrorist attacks by Muslims are extremists. Any religion or country or belief system is going to have extremists that push the boundaries and set a bad example. Whether you agree with this is beside the point. When the conversation was going on my narc husband stated something to the effect of, “People say that the terrorists attacking us were extremists but that’s not true; they’re all like that. That’s just stupidity. ” To which his sister responded something like, “Yeah it says right there in their book that they believe everyone else should die.”

Point 1- He meant that I say that and was saying my opinion was stupidity.

Point 2- He’s having others talk about my opinion in front of me without their knowledge.

Point 3- Neither one of them have read any part of the English translation. I know because I have and they are clearly only speculating from here-say and media

reports.

About 5 minutes later somehow the conversation got turned into one about drinking alcohol. I haven’t posted about this but let me tell you he’s been on beer drinking streak. To the point where a six pack will be gone in a day or two. To the point where I buy some weird ass flavored alcoholic beverage that I know he will not like and he will drink the very last one when he has other beer to drink. (His father died from alcoholism and he talks shit about people who drink beer every day all the time.) He goes out to his garage and takes a beer with him and comes back inside multiple times to get another beer. Yet, when he was having this conversation with his sister and her husband, he told them that he rarely drinks beer. That he had a pack of beer that he ended up throwing away because it was in our refrigerator for two years and that it went bad so he had to throw it away. This is such bullshit. I don’t know WTF he is talking about. He has made accusations to me in the past saying how he could see me becoming an alcoholic when I am the one who rarely drinks and when I do drink I rarely have more than one or two drinks.

I am the one who buys a six pack and it’ll last a month or more. Anyway he told them that and then also stated how the only time he likes to drink is when he is working on his car because of the metal taste he gets in his mouth- that the beer helps get rid of it. He forgot to state the fact that he’s been working on his car every freaking day for a couple months. But that’s not drinking a lot of beer. What the fuck ever dude.

I just glanced at him and smiled and kept my mouth shut instead of stating the obvious retort about what a lie that was.

I resorted to gray rock because all that would happen from me bringing up that it was a lie would that it would look like I was creating an argument or whatever to his sister and her husband. I don’t need to point out his lies, people will see it in time.

He was making an effort to create flying monkeys of them. That’s all it was and honestly they’re his family and she has stabbed me in the back before when I went to her for help. Instead of helping us, she twisted my words around and told him her twisted version of what I said. And that was enough for him to pack his shit and leave me and his two babies.

So I’m done trying to get others to see what he does. They’ll see when he does it to them.

He knows my weakness is my children.

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My heart is breaking right now. My children are my world and have been since the days they came into this world. They saved my life when I was at a very low place and battling depression. Hearing about their days and being able to come to them is my everything. Watching their unique personalities grow is an amazing thing to witness. They make me so proud.

But my son is 13 and, like any boy, looks up to his dad and holds him on a pedestal. Most often I try and hold my tongue rather than point out Narc traits in his dad. My daughter is a little older and has talked to me about it herself. But, not my son. I see when he is reflecting his dad’s opinions of me. It comes across in his words and actions sometimes. While I don’t point out or question him on where he is developing these actions towards me (because I know where) I do try and point out when something is not what people ‘normally‘ do or say. In a more round about way of course. For instance, I’ll state another perspective, a more empathetic one, or suggest another less aggressive reason for someone’s actions.

My Narc husband has mentioned moving to a place about 2 hours away, near where he is currently working. It’s a more expensive area. His job moves around. He’s never at one site more than a year or two. The area he has mentioned is very populated and the traffic is much worse than what he deals with now. Sure, for the length of his job at this site it may be more convenient but what about when he goes to the next one? It’s always been a statement more in passing than a conversation and he’s only mentioned it a couple times in the past year.

My son has now started mentioning moving there to me. His dad has glamorized it to him making him consider moving there. His dad makes more money than me and he sees his dad as a financial surplus. Expensive cars and nice things sound good to anyone, especially a teenage boy.

My Narc husband decided to sit down across from me tonight and talk about moving there. It was not a conversation, he was not asking my opinion. He was stating what he wanted to do and very well might do. He went on to tell me why it would be good for our children to move there, too.

I doubt very highly that my daughter would go. She has said she doesn’t want to move until she graduates, which is only a few years away.

But, with my son. I’m not so sure. It scares me to think he’d go with his dad. The influence he’d have on him scares me. He’s still learning who he is in this world and has a big heart, intelligent mind and is talented in anything he puts his mind to. I am the one nurturing those things though. His dad is only interested in cultivating the parts of my son that can be just like him.

There is no male or female in this world that I love more than my children. I understand that they will graduate and move on in life but I’m not ready to miss out on so much of my child’s life. It puts an ache in my chest just thinking about it.

Our families live where we are now. Our resources are here. Our children’s whole life has been lived here and the majority of ours as well. I finally have a great job with reliable income and our children are thriving. I don’t see any good coming from moving until they finish high school. The area we live now is not the greatest and it’s getting worse but I have always said I wanted to move before they reached high school. We didn’t and I don’t want to move until they’ve finished school now.

Plus, I don’t honestly know that I could make such a huge move with someone who I feel doesn’t have my best interest in mind at all.

Catching up

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Summertime puts my schedule in overtime. I work full-time and have two teens that want to enjoy their summer and I do my best to let them.
Going to try and make this short and sweet. Bullets are my friends. 😉

Fourth of July
– Took the kids to Lake Gregory on the 2nd. This is something we've never done before. They had a 'water park', paddle boards, pedal boats and fireworks at night. Guess who didn't go.
– Went to my parent's house as usual on the 4th to swim and BBQ. Fireworks at night. Sis-in-law and family came as usual. Had to have and unnecessary in-depth convo with the Narc because of these plans. I did an exceptional job at staying on point in just getting an answer as to whether he was coming with us or not. He tried multiple times to derail the convo into past problems and 'poor me' stuff and I didn't let it get to my emotions or change the convo track. Or not much. We were on our way out the door and already running late so I can't help but feel it was intentional.

Laughlin
– End of July is a traditional Laughlin trip to celebrate his elderly grandmother's birthday. Family comes from CA and CO annually. Last one I went to was 5 years ago. He's went one additional time than me in that time and the only reason I couldn't go was because I had to be in town to sign-up for the in person only, first come first serve bus sign-ups. He waited to decide to go until the Wednesday of that week and didn't inform me until Friday. He wanted to go Friday night but everyone who's ever rented a hotel in Laughlin knows that summer books up quickly and rates double if it's within two weeks of booked dates. We ended up going up on Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night.

I have to add that he paid for almost everything for the Laughlin trip, including a 16 person dinner. He paid for the gas and hotel room. Meals (except for one) and some other things.

Yet, rent was paid over a week late this month.

He still hasn't paid his half of the kids' dental bill that we paid cash for. (He told me he'd give me half for the down payment but still hasn't even though I reminded him of the date and time of their appointments multiple times leading up to them. So, I ended up having to cover it.)

Kids started school today and he didn't attempt to help with back-to-school shopping at all.

So, yah. Thank goodness I got my shit together when I did.

Status post – Father’s Day

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 So, I ended up just letting the kids decide what to get their dad for Father’s Day. After all, they are old enough to put some thought into it and he is their dad, not mine. I offered some suggestions but they had a hard time finding anything he’d like or want and anything they did find was a few hundred dollars. All 3 of us had completely different ideas from our experiences with the him of what he wanted or would like. We spent more than 4 hours shopping for gifts. 

The day before Fathers Day, we went to my parents house to spend time with my dad. We swam and BBQd and I gave a card and some new tennis shoes to my dad (which he appreciated and thanked us for). I invited my Narc husband to go with us but he declined. ~This really bothers me because he hasn’t had very many male “father figures” in his life and my dad has always treated him like a son. That is a whole other blog post, though.~ 

On FD, our kids gave him cards and gifts in the morning. His initial response to the gift my son chose was, “You guys will use this more than I will.” His response to the gift my daughter chose wasnt much. But you could tell from his bland, blank expression that he wasn’t impressed with anything she chose except the candy. After he opened them he mumbled a weak, “thank you” to them. It really broke my heart because we spent a lot of time going to different stores, spent a decent amount of money and put A LOT of thought into good gifts for him. 

I went to the grocery store and bought steaks among other thing to BBQ for dinner that night. After dinner and having a beer, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. Meaning on Netflix or On Demand. ~Totally breaking grey rock. I’m not sure why I did except that I wanted to watch a movie anyway and he was sitting in the other room by himself, pouting i.m.o.~ He said he wanted to go to the theater and so we did. 

The next day, he sent me a text message thanking me for a nice day. He also told me that he paid off the rest of his phone bill. Was that supposed to be a reward for doing right by him on FD? Because I didn’t do anything different than I’ve done every other FD. 

Funny how when a Narc starts trying something different to get a reaction or to see if you’ll match them, THAT IS WHEN they notice what you do for them.