Status post – Father’s Day

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 So, I ended up just letting the kids decide what to get their dad for Father’s Day. After all, they are old enough to put some thought into it and he is their dad, not mine. I offered some suggestions but they had a hard time finding anything he’d like or want and anything they did find was a few hundred dollars. All 3 of us had completely different ideas from our experiences with the him of what he wanted or would like. We spent more than 4 hours shopping for gifts. 

The day before Fathers Day, we went to my parents house to spend time with my dad. We swam and BBQd and I gave a card and some new tennis shoes to my dad (which he appreciated and thanked us for). I invited my Narc husband to go with us but he declined. ~This really bothers me because he hasn’t had very many male “father figures” in his life and my dad has always treated him like a son. That is a whole other blog post, though.~ 

On FD, our kids gave him cards and gifts in the morning. His initial response to the gift my son chose was, “You guys will use this more than I will.” His response to the gift my daughter chose wasnt much. But you could tell from his bland, blank expression that he wasn’t impressed with anything she chose except the candy. After he opened them he mumbled a weak, “thank you” to them. It really broke my heart because we spent a lot of time going to different stores, spent a decent amount of money and put A LOT of thought into good gifts for him. 

I went to the grocery store and bought steaks among other thing to BBQ for dinner that night. After dinner and having a beer, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. Meaning on Netflix or On Demand. ~Totally breaking grey rock. I’m not sure why I did except that I wanted to watch a movie anyway and he was sitting in the other room by himself, pouting i.m.o.~ He said he wanted to go to the theater and so we did. 

The next day, he sent me a text message thanking me for a nice day. He also told me that he paid off the rest of his phone bill. Was that supposed to be a reward for doing right by him on FD? Because I didn’t do anything different than I’ve done every other FD. 

Funny how when a Narc starts trying something different to get a reaction or to see if you’ll match them, THAT IS WHEN they notice what you do for them. 

Journaling

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I’ve always been one to write things down. I used to write just because I liked the feel of pen on paper. I’d practice cursive and printing, big letters and small letters, my signature. Often, people compliment me on my penmanship.

So, no surprise, poetry and journaling became a way for me to sort through my feelings. It also became a way for me to get into trouble!

When I was a teenager, I had a period of time where I would sneak out at night. I know, I know. I am so lucky that no harm ever came to me. But, one night, things didn’t go as planned and I ran late getting home. (Red flag!) Guess who I was with? Yep, my Narc. When I arrived at home, guess who had found my stash of hoarded notes from friends detailing everything that I kept secret?! Yep, my mom. 😣

More recently, my Narc came across a well hidden collection of journal writings that I had stashed away in a moving box. An actual journal would have been too obvious so I’d just grab the closest thing to write on and scribble out my messy feelings. These accumulated for years. We have moved many times since I stashed them away and I am the only one who goes through the boxes to decide what to keep or throw away so I wasn’t worried. Heck, I really didn’t even remember that they were there until they were thrown (figuratively) in my face.  My Narc decided to go through the boxes just to dishevel them and see what I must be hiding. ~We’re talking about things written over TEN years ago.~ Sure enough, he brought them up and told me how messed up it was that I had written such horrible things about him. When in actuality, what I had written was my own account of arguments or different situations. He told me how unfair that was to him that I would write these things down and how not-normal it is for people to do that.

Every self help thing I’ve ever read or heard tells you to journal! Even better is to not go back and re-read what you write. It’s a way to get it out of your system. It’s what I’m doing now. I told him basically that. He didn’t have much more to say. It was obvious that his view on me journaling didn’t alter by what I said, though.

A few weeks ago I went through the boxes and threw away a ton of stuff. Trash cans full of stuff! Among that stuff was old poems that I had written. Dark, depressing and hopeless poems of a teenager starting a relationship with a narcissist with no clue of what she was in for. Ramblings about a twisted relationship that was just beginning.

I briefly glanced at some of the things I wrote. They made me cringe. They took me right back to those moments when I wrote them. I don’t need to read them to remember. Now, I look back and quite clearly see what was happening. It makes my stomach turn to remember how I felt.

It brought me great pleasure to throw them away in the trash.