Red Flag Warning #2

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Anytime there is a holiday or special occasion, the Narc will make sure to cause conflict or commotion to ruin it. 

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Silent treatment 

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As I said before, once I figured out that I was dealing with a narcissist, I went gray rock. I did this because I felt like I had tried everything else. I tried sympathizing, I tried changing myself, I tried standing up for myself, I tried being more assertive, I tried talking to counselors, I tried self help, I tried everything I could think of. 

I actually kind of went gray rock before figured it out as a way of coping. Our conversations got farther and farther apart. I tried less and less to please him because no matter what I did it wasn’t the right thing according to him. I got tired of conversations turning into blame and verbal or emotional abuse. The only way I could create a peaceful household for myself and my children was to have as little conversation with him that I could. I would only start up a conversation or respond to his conversation if it was absolutely necessary. Topics such as things pertaining to the children or perhaps groceries or the house that we were living in. 

I reacted less and less to him ignoring me and less and less to his subtle jabs at me and I didn’t let his ignoring my questions determine my decisions.  I think maybe he realized I was distancing myself. Recently, I don’t know exactly what triggered him but I could tell there was a shift in how he was treating me. My thoughts are that he was leaving it up to me to repair our relationship and when I was making little to no effort to do so that he decided he was not going to try anymore.

That doesn’t mean he stopped his narcissistic tendencies. For example, the flowers that he sent to my work on our anniversary but yet he didn’t utter one word to me about our anniversary or anything else that day. 

Another example is that we owe some money to the IRS and last year he asked me to set up a payment plan on our joint account. He told me how much to set it up for and told me what date he wanted it taken out on and told me he’d deposit the money for that bill. (Now keep in mind, I have a second payment plan set up for our state taxes that we owe and I pay that.)

He also had promised our children new bedroom sets but when we went to the furniture place they denied giving him a credit line, which I think was partly from not filling out the online form correctly. So he asked me to do it. I was very hesitant and I told him I didn’t have the money to cover it. He assured me that he was going to pay it so I did apply.  I got approved and the payments got set up. These were to be taken out of the same joint checking account as the IRS payments are taken out of.

A couple Christmases ago he bought me a new iPhone and put it on our mobile carrier account that I pay. He put down a large down payment, don’t get me wrong,  and he agreed to put the difference of the bill into that same joint checking account to cover the difference in payment. When my phone was about paid off we decided to allow my son to get his own phone line on our account and he decided he wanted to upgrade his phone to the same version of phone that I had. We went down and purchased his phone; he paid off the rest of my phone and the payments for the remaining balance of his phone were to be added onto our our monthly payment (which again I pay). 

So what he would do would be to deposit the total amount of all three (IRS payment, bedroom furniture payment & phone payment) in the middle of the month before they were all due. Most of the time he deposited the money on the day it was due or after. 

When the same as cash timeline was up for the bedroom furniture, he paid it off.  That was in March, 2 1/2 months ago. The last time he deposited the money for those payments into that checking account was in January. He did not deposit anything in February. In March he paid off the bedroom furniture and told me that he could either buy groceries or deposit the money into the account that week but not both. I told him that was fine and if he could get the groceries because I didn’t have the money to get any that week. That’s exactly what he did it was my bad to think that he would deposit the money the next week I’ll take that as a misunderstanding and disregard him not paying depositing the money in March. 

Because he had paid off the bedroom furniture, the amount of money he needed to deposit into the checking account was about half of what it had been. But he did not deposit any money in April. When it was time to deposit the money in May, I reminded him that because he had paid off the bedroom furniture he only needed to deposit half the amount (I did specify the exact amount). He replied with something like, “Oh yah, OK”, but again he did not deposit any money in May. Here we are a week into June and I feel like I need to know if that money is not going to be deposited so I can make sure to cover it. So I decided to send him a text. Communicate in writing right?

It read, “Why haven’t you been depositing the money for the IRS and phone into the account?” That was at 8 AM two days ago. He has made sure to ignore my existence at home, to leave the room and go out to work on his car in the garage when he sees that I finish making dinner, and of course not answering my question. 

I don’t know if he’s trying to prove a point, if he’s trying to punish me for questioning him, if he’s mad that I expect him to deposit the money for the payment arrangements that he wanted me to make (that he agreed to pay), or if he is mad about me going gray rock. Maybe it’s a combination of all of these… I really don’t know. 

I’d be interested in hearing what anybody reading this thinks about it. 

Journaling

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I’ve always been one to write things down. I used to write just because I liked the feel of pen on paper. I’d practice cursive and printing, big letters and small letters, my signature. Often, people compliment me on my penmanship.

So, no surprise, poetry and journaling became a way for me to sort through my feelings. It also became a way for me to get into trouble!

When I was a teenager, I had a period of time where I would sneak out at night. I know, I know. I am so lucky that no harm ever came to me. But, one night, things didn’t go as planned and I ran late getting home. (Red flag!) Guess who I was with? Yep, my Narc. When I arrived at home, guess who had found my stash of hoarded notes from friends detailing everything that I kept secret?! Yep, my mom. 😣

More recently, my Narc came across a well hidden collection of journal writings that I had stashed away in a moving box. An actual journal would have been too obvious so I’d just grab the closest thing to write on and scribble out my messy feelings. These accumulated for years. We have moved many times since I stashed them away and I am the only one who goes through the boxes to decide what to keep or throw away so I wasn’t worried. Heck, I really didn’t even remember that they were there until they were thrown (figuratively) in my face.  My Narc decided to go through the boxes just to dishevel them and see what I must be hiding. ~We’re talking about things written over TEN years ago.~ Sure enough, he brought them up and told me how messed up it was that I had written such horrible things about him. When in actuality, what I had written was my own account of arguments or different situations. He told me how unfair that was to him that I would write these things down and how not-normal it is for people to do that.

Every self help thing I’ve ever read or heard tells you to journal! Even better is to not go back and re-read what you write. It’s a way to get it out of your system. It’s what I’m doing now. I told him basically that. He didn’t have much more to say. It was obvious that his view on me journaling didn’t alter by what I said, though.

A few weeks ago I went through the boxes and threw away a ton of stuff. Trash cans full of stuff! Among that stuff was old poems that I had written. Dark, depressing and hopeless poems of a teenager starting a relationship with a narcissist with no clue of what she was in for. Ramblings about a twisted relationship that was just beginning.

I briefly glanced at some of the things I wrote. They made me cringe. They took me right back to those moments when I wrote them. I don’t need to read them to remember. Now, I look back and quite clearly see what was happening. It makes my stomach turn to remember how I felt.

It brought me great pleasure to throw them away in the trash.