Catching up

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Summertime puts my schedule in overtime. I work full-time and have two teens that want to enjoy their summer and I do my best to let them.
Going to try and make this short and sweet. Bullets are my friends. 😉

Fourth of July
– Took the kids to Lake Gregory on the 2nd. This is something we've never done before. They had a 'water park', paddle boards, pedal boats and fireworks at night. Guess who didn't go.
– Went to my parent's house as usual on the 4th to swim and BBQ. Fireworks at night. Sis-in-law and family came as usual. Had to have and unnecessary in-depth convo with the Narc because of these plans. I did an exceptional job at staying on point in just getting an answer as to whether he was coming with us or not. He tried multiple times to derail the convo into past problems and 'poor me' stuff and I didn't let it get to my emotions or change the convo track. Or not much. We were on our way out the door and already running late so I can't help but feel it was intentional.

Laughlin
– End of July is a traditional Laughlin trip to celebrate his elderly grandmother's birthday. Family comes from CA and CO annually. Last one I went to was 5 years ago. He's went one additional time than me in that time and the only reason I couldn't go was because I had to be in town to sign-up for the in person only, first come first serve bus sign-ups. He waited to decide to go until the Wednesday of that week and didn't inform me until Friday. He wanted to go Friday night but everyone who's ever rented a hotel in Laughlin knows that summer books up quickly and rates double if it's within two weeks of booked dates. We ended up going up on Saturday morning and coming back Sunday night.

I have to add that he paid for almost everything for the Laughlin trip, including a 16 person dinner. He paid for the gas and hotel room. Meals (except for one) and some other things.

Yet, rent was paid over a week late this month.

He still hasn't paid his half of the kids' dental bill that we paid cash for. (He told me he'd give me half for the down payment but still hasn't even though I reminded him of the date and time of their appointments multiple times leading up to them. So, I ended up having to cover it.)

Kids started school today and he didn't attempt to help with back-to-school shopping at all.

So, yah. Thank goodness I got my shit together when I did.

The wedding

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Part of the reason we got married so soon after our engagement was pregnant. You know the whole thing about being married before we actually had a baby, still being just the two of us on our honeymoon, and not having to delay it more years until it was easier to have a wedding with the baby. 

He wasn’t really involved in planning the wedding which really is a very surprising, a lot of men aren’t. My friends wanted to throw me a bachelorette party but it was kind of odd seeing how I was pregnant. I had more than one conversation with him to see how he felt about it because he’s always been pretty jealous. He promised me that it wouldn’t be a problem. We ended up going to San Diego and barhopping which I didn’t really partake in because again I was pregnant. The idea got brought up about a male strip club but it just felt odd to me especially because at that point his friends had no intention that I knew of a throwing him a bachelor party and it was only about two weeks until the wedding. 

I was fine with him having a bachelor party, in fact him doing so would make me feel better about having my own bachelorette party. There is only one thing that I requested and that was if they did decide to do it to not do it the night before the wedding. 

Well guess what. After the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding his friends decide they want to take him for a bachelor party… the night before the wedding. no shocker he didn’t stumble into bed until early morning hours. He was hung over late for pictures to the point where we had to do most of them after the actual wedding. He was supposed to do all the ones without me prior to the wedding. So we were pretty late getting to the reception. 

When it was time for toast at the reception my oldest brother made a toast. At the end of it he said take care of my little sister because if not we have the Air Force the army and the Navy in our family. His uncle stood up right after that and said don’t worry about that we have the CIA and our family. So, to me, that sounds like, “Don’t worry how you treat her we’ve got you covered.” And boy his whole family had a great laugh at that. That should’ve been a huge red flag to me; it angered me and cut me off guard but I had no idea what narcissism was at that time. 

When I was still eating I noticed that he had been away from our table for a while. I looked around and figured out that he was greeting everybody in the room without me. He didn’t even say anything to me or invite me to greet people with him; it was like I didn’t even exist anymore to him. 

Now mind you, I was about five months pregnant at the wedding and I had to use the restroom quite often. Every single fun traditional song or dance such as the chicken dance, the hokey pokey, YMCA (all that dorkey stuff) happened when I wasn’t even in the room. But he was.  I’m still a little butt hurt that no one noticed or cared to wait until the bride was there. 

I guess I have a hard time letting go of grudges. This was 15 years ago. I think what makes it hard to let go of it is that no one else saw anything wrong with any of it. 

Love, marriage and children

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I knew I wanted to marry my husband pretty early on in the relationship. It took quite a few conversations, a few break ups and nine years for him to give me an engagement ring. Some of that time is understandable because I was 14 when I met him. 

At the time we had an apartment together and his sister lived with us. On Christmas morning we were opening our small stack of presents and there was a present wrapped for me from him. When I opened it inside was a small square jewelry box. I was a little stunned and did not get my hopes up that was it was a ring. But when I opened it that’s exactly what it was, and engagement ring and wedding band. I was in shock. I don’t show my emotions very well when someone gives me a gift anyway. I stared at the opened box in shock. I look back and forth between my dark and his sister as they sat waiting for a reaction. As I sat waiting for a long awaited and anticipated proposal… which didn’t happen.  I don’t remember every single detail but I do remember asking if it was an engagement ring. I remember taking it over to him and asking him to put it on me to which he said he didn’t think it would fit because I’d probably have to take it to get sized. They also told me how they had wanted it to be the gift that I chose to open the night before for our one present that we open on Christmas Eve so that I could have showed it off to my family when we went over there on Christmas Eve for dinner. 

Maybe it was wrong of me but I didn’t know how to react. As much as I wanted this engagement I wasn’t sure how to feel about him not even proposing to me and about him not wanting to put the ring on me. 

Before we got married when I was almost 22, I remember distinctly laying in bed with my narc and him telling me that he thought that it would be cool if we had a baby. Technically I think the words he used were, “I think it would be cool if you had a baby.” That day we conceived my daughter. It must’ve been in January; she was born the next November.

In February we decided we were going to let the least go with our apartment because our landlord was raising the rent and we didn’t think the apartment was worth that amount. So we decided together to move in with my parents save up some money and buy a house. We had already decided that we were going to get married in May. Right before we moved in with my parents we found out that I was in fact pregnant. 

We moved in with my parents in March and I had to stop working at the beginning of October because I was just too pregnant to keep working. Our daughter was born in November. 

When she was about five months old ice started working for a lady that I knew who had a daycare in her house. I had worked with her before and she was very willing to let me bring my daughter with me and do what I needed to take care of her while working. Only a couple weeks after starting work I began calling out sick which is very unlike me. I could probably count on my fingers how many times I’ve called out sick from a job in my life. She was pretty intuitive and suggested that I was pregnant. Since my daughter was so young, I was breast-feeding, and I haven’t started my new cycle yet after giving birth, I highly doubt it that I would be pregnant. After calling out a few times because I was sick I took a test and lo and behold I was in fact pregnant. At that time my daughter was only six months old. 

I freaked out because we had been having a lot of relationship problems since the day we got married and over the course of the pregnancy with my daughter. I ended up quitting the job because with this pregnancy I was nauseous and throwing up the entire pregnancy. 

He finally replied. 

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More than a week after my original text asking him why he hasn’t been depositing the money that he’d agreed to, he finally replied. Not surprised that it was now a few days before Fathers Day.

Amazing how a simple question turns into a huge back and forth of avoidance and accusations. His first response was “how much is it?” I had just told him in May how much, he knows very well how much and he was avoiding what I had asked. So, I told him how much and said that really wasn’t an answer.

The reason ended up being that he forgot or bought groceries instead. Both reasons are absurd to me. Good thing I don’t ‘forget’ to pay our utility bills or cover the IRS withdrawal every month. Imagine how that would play out. When I am expecting that money to be there and it isn’t, my account could overdraft and/or I might spend money that I wouldn’t have otherwise and the IRS isn’t very forgiving . And to say he bought groceries instead… that has always been something we were both doing. His words were actually “bought pretty much all the groceries” which is not true. I never stopped buying the usual amount of groceries that I have been buying. What he did was bought dog food more often and bought some steak or other expensive meals and other random junk more often. I’d rather we cover the necessities before buying extras.

~~ Yes, I figured out that he likes to put me in this position. It usually happens when I’ve been used to him doing whatever it is and expecting it. Then, out of nowhere he stops. I learn more quickly now and make sure the money is there or expect him not to be somewhere or do something. But, I always ask anyway, giving it a chance that he’ll surprise me. ~~

Without even pausing, as soon as he gave his excuses, he tried to turn it around to put me down and ask 20 questions. Rather than explain each detail or post screen shots, I’m just going to bullet point. Each point could be a whole page of explanation.

  • Blames debt on me, then tells me my share would be 1/3, then says we’ll just make everything 50/50 (which is how it was already supposed to be) -each one contradicting the other.
  • Says since I’m asking a question, he has some of his own, which he starts asking accusing questions (i.e. Where’s my wedding ring?? -it was on my finger and always has been, Why am I the only one not invited to a girls thing??I didn’t even answer that because I haven’t gone to any girls only things and invite him to everything, which he doesn’t go to and will deny my inviting him.) Plus, about 5 more questions including a remark about being room mates and him not needing a roommate.
  • Called me plain mean (I don’t know what about, even re-reading the texts)
  • Telling me I only care about money – which doesn’t make any sense because if I only cared about getting money from him then I should be happy with our relationship.
  • After 20 years of him keeping everything separate, tells me it’s been me wanting it separate and what a pain it is.  – Yet, I practically forced him to open our joint checking account which he barely uses.
  • Telling me I haven’t contributed to our relationship financially until recently. Which is a lie or at least a huge exaggeration. ~Out of our 24 year relationship, about 6 of them was I not employed. I was at home with our children.
  • Talking in circles! Ugh! This drives me nuts. I tried extra hard to stay on track this time but not sure how much I succeeded.  – This is where he says something, I respond, he denies saying what I’m responding to and says something else, which I respond to, so he says the original thing or says I said what he started with. Obviously nothing productive ever comes from this kind of conversation.
  • Telling me I’m wrong and that I’m twisting facts

I finally had to just stop responding because it was midnight, I was tired and we both had work the next day. That totally pissed him off but the conversation was going nowhere and was exploding into something huge when all I had originally wanted to know was why he wasnt depositing the money and if he was going to be from now on. (Which he said yes he would be. But, to give you an idea how that is playing out~ the next day he got a paycheck, today is the 18th, the money gets automatically withdrawn on the 20th.)

It’s extremely hard to grey rock when you have financial obligations that include both people and when you need an answer to something. 😣

Avoidance 

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So, it’s been over a week since I sent the text asking my narc about money not being deposited.  I actually texted him again a couple days later asking if he was ignoring me which of course had no response. I don’t really want to bring it up in conversation. I want the response in writing because I feel like I can foresee words being twisted or some sort of gaslighting coming from it.
I have to say that last weekend I went outside to do some needed yardwork in the backyard. After being out there for about half an hour my narc came outside. Apparently he rented a tractor and was going to do some work with it moving dirt and filling in some holes. 

I’m always up for improving our yard. We are renting and I feel like it gets put off a lot so I was all for working together improving the yard. Separately but at the same time. After being out there for a few hours I ended up helping him with some of the dirt work (literally). That gave way to a small amount of verbal communication but really only anything that had to do with the task at hand.

At that point, I still hadn’t heard anything from him regarding the money being deposited and no sign of the money in the bank account. So, Monday afternoon I sent another text that read, “Still wondering why you haven’t been depositing the money for the IRS and your phone into the account.” It is now Wednesday afternoon and I still have not received a response. 

It’s obvious that he is ignoring the text because prior to my inquiry we would communicate via text probably more often than verbally. But since my inquiry, he has had zero text communication with me. 

Silent treatment 

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As I said before, once I figured out that I was dealing with a narcissist, I went gray rock. I did this because I felt like I had tried everything else. I tried sympathizing, I tried changing myself, I tried standing up for myself, I tried being more assertive, I tried talking to counselors, I tried self help, I tried everything I could think of. 

I actually kind of went gray rock before figured it out as a way of coping. Our conversations got farther and farther apart. I tried less and less to please him because no matter what I did it wasn’t the right thing according to him. I got tired of conversations turning into blame and verbal or emotional abuse. The only way I could create a peaceful household for myself and my children was to have as little conversation with him that I could. I would only start up a conversation or respond to his conversation if it was absolutely necessary. Topics such as things pertaining to the children or perhaps groceries or the house that we were living in. 

I reacted less and less to him ignoring me and less and less to his subtle jabs at me and I didn’t let his ignoring my questions determine my decisions.  I think maybe he realized I was distancing myself. Recently, I don’t know exactly what triggered him but I could tell there was a shift in how he was treating me. My thoughts are that he was leaving it up to me to repair our relationship and when I was making little to no effort to do so that he decided he was not going to try anymore.

That doesn’t mean he stopped his narcissistic tendencies. For example, the flowers that he sent to my work on our anniversary but yet he didn’t utter one word to me about our anniversary or anything else that day. 

Another example is that we owe some money to the IRS and last year he asked me to set up a payment plan on our joint account. He told me how much to set it up for and told me what date he wanted it taken out on and told me he’d deposit the money for that bill. (Now keep in mind, I have a second payment plan set up for our state taxes that we owe and I pay that.)

He also had promised our children new bedroom sets but when we went to the furniture place they denied giving him a credit line, which I think was partly from not filling out the online form correctly. So he asked me to do it. I was very hesitant and I told him I didn’t have the money to cover it. He assured me that he was going to pay it so I did apply.  I got approved and the payments got set up. These were to be taken out of the same joint checking account as the IRS payments are taken out of.

A couple Christmases ago he bought me a new iPhone and put it on our mobile carrier account that I pay. He put down a large down payment, don’t get me wrong,  and he agreed to put the difference of the bill into that same joint checking account to cover the difference in payment. When my phone was about paid off we decided to allow my son to get his own phone line on our account and he decided he wanted to upgrade his phone to the same version of phone that I had. We went down and purchased his phone; he paid off the rest of my phone and the payments for the remaining balance of his phone were to be added onto our our monthly payment (which again I pay). 

So what he would do would be to deposit the total amount of all three (IRS payment, bedroom furniture payment & phone payment) in the middle of the month before they were all due. Most of the time he deposited the money on the day it was due or after. 

When the same as cash timeline was up for the bedroom furniture, he paid it off.  That was in March, 2 1/2 months ago. The last time he deposited the money for those payments into that checking account was in January. He did not deposit anything in February. In March he paid off the bedroom furniture and told me that he could either buy groceries or deposit the money into the account that week but not both. I told him that was fine and if he could get the groceries because I didn’t have the money to get any that week. That’s exactly what he did it was my bad to think that he would deposit the money the next week I’ll take that as a misunderstanding and disregard him not paying depositing the money in March. 

Because he had paid off the bedroom furniture, the amount of money he needed to deposit into the checking account was about half of what it had been. But he did not deposit any money in April. When it was time to deposit the money in May, I reminded him that because he had paid off the bedroom furniture he only needed to deposit half the amount (I did specify the exact amount). He replied with something like, “Oh yah, OK”, but again he did not deposit any money in May. Here we are a week into June and I feel like I need to know if that money is not going to be deposited so I can make sure to cover it. So I decided to send him a text. Communicate in writing right?

It read, “Why haven’t you been depositing the money for the IRS and phone into the account?” That was at 8 AM two days ago. He has made sure to ignore my existence at home, to leave the room and go out to work on his car in the garage when he sees that I finish making dinner, and of course not answering my question. 

I don’t know if he’s trying to prove a point, if he’s trying to punish me for questioning him, if he’s mad that I expect him to deposit the money for the payment arrangements that he wanted me to make (that he agreed to pay), or if he is mad about me going gray rock. Maybe it’s a combination of all of these… I really don’t know. 

I’d be interested in hearing what anybody reading this thinks about it. 

Never gonna happen

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  I met my husband over the phone when I was 14; he was 16. We had a mutual friend and one day she called him and let me talk to him on the phone for a minute.  A couple weeks later he had gotten my phone number from her and gave me a call. I was so flattered and I really liked him. 
  We talked on the phone for at least two weeks before we even met. We would talk for hours at a time about I don’t even know what. When we met in person it was love at first sight. We were inseparable. We started dating and didn’t even get into an argument for over six months. I remember him specifically pointing that out. 

  We spent every minute that we could together. He would pick me up from school and I’d go hang out at his house for as long as I could. Occasionally, he would come to my house. If we were with friends, it was his friends. Next to never, have we ever hung out together with my friends. We got into a lot of trouble together; we never got caught but you know what I mean. Sneaking out, drinking alcohol, cigarettes, experimenting with drugs, sex… that kind of trouble. 

  I got a job when I was 15 1/2 and as soon as I turned 18 we got an apartment together. We already knew what it was like to live together because once I had a car and a job I almost lived at his house. I had up a lot of my personal stuff there. I’d leave work and go to his house until curfew. I’d stay the night occasionally.

 When I was about 20, I thought chances were that we were never going to get married. He really had no interest in getting married; he liked things the way they were. I don’t know if it was because it gave him the opportunity to leave at anytime or if it was because his mom never really had a successful marriage or what the exact reason was but I just didn’t see it happening. We broke up briefly but we’re back together within a month. 

  Before we moved in together his mom moved out of state and he was left with the option of buying her house or moving into an apartment. He wasn’t ready to buy her house so he was going to move into an apartment. 

  He told me he wanted us to rent the apartment together. When we moved into the apartment his sister lived with us. Things were good.  We have freedom, we had jobs, we had fun. Looking back now, there were some things that were red flags (each one could be it’s own blog post) but I chalked it up to being young and still learning how to have a good relationship. 

  After dating for over six years and living together like a married couple, in my eyes, marriage was the next step. I didn’t understand how he could not want to because to me there was no reason not to. But, I loved him and I enjoyed the freedom that I had living on my own, couldn’t afford to live by myself and was not going to live with my parents again so I stayed. 

  When I was 22, over two years after moving in with each other, after almost nine years of dating he gave me a ring.