I’ve been doing a lot of work on raising my level of consciousness and vibration and I’ve been really struggling trying to avoid confrontation. It’s been a while since I’ve written a post to vent my feelings, maybe that’s part of it. I didn’t want to write a post because I was feeling like it would be putting attention on negative energy and in that case increasing the negative energy but I think when I write it down when it happens it’s easier for me to then release it without revisiting it in my mind over and over again.
Just because I haven’t written anything doesn’t mean nothing has happened. It’s been mostly words, names and/or actions to be controlling or to hurt my feelings. The last time he did something I didn’t even write a blog post I just did a private Snapchat video of myself because I was to shaken up that I couldn’t even write it down. He was flipping out in the garage going on and on talking to him self loudly and I crushing cans. I couldn’t hear everything he was saying but could make out some things. He was saying things like stupid bitch and why don’t you fucking…? He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me so I can only assume it was about me. I sent him a text after that asking him if I was who he was talking about and he never responded. He ignored that text like I never sent it.
There’s also been many times where we were going somewhere as a family and he didn’t want to be involved. Things like Magic Mountain, all the holidays that just passed, he didn’t come to any of my family functions. My parents just had their 50th wedding anniversary. My brothers and I put together the whole party and he didn’t contribute in anyway and didn’t even show up for the party. My mom has an annual family gathering after Christmas. He didn’t come to that either. Basically, anytime I have invited him to do anything with us, he didn’t go. Besides the name calling that continues here and there, mostly as a something he says as he’s passing me or in another room has continued. Those times when he’s talking to himself, so angry about this and that, seem to have gotten more frequent.
Like I said, I’ve been trying to ignore him and not write it down and put it behind me and focus on positive but there is a great tension release when I can write it down and have it documented and move on from it. So I can just try to live life every day without how he feels about me I feel determining how I feel about myself.