It’s never okay

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So the reason I decided to pick up the blog post again today was because something happened that I just couldn’t handle again. As I said in my previous post it’s not like nothing has happened but every once in while and it just crosses that line.

We had to put our dog to sleep last week. Last. Week. Immediately after, he was talking about getting a new puppy which I was adamantly against because I knew it would end up being me waking up with the puppy, feeding the puppy, cleaning up after the puppy, etc.

Well, two days later he went and bought a very expensive puppy. She is cute and she is smart but our priorities are not in the same place. I’ve explained in another post how much we need different things that just cost too much money and here he is spending thousands of dollars on his hot rod in the back and a new puppy.

He took good care of her for two days and then it shifted to be coming my responsibility. And when I brought it up to him he stated he thought our other dog (who is afraid of the puppy) was going to hurt her if we left her outside with him. So when I brought up that I felt like I was the one taking care of her when I was the one who said I didn’t want this right now his answer was to either just leave her in her shit her put her outside and kill the other dog if he touched her.

Meanwhile he’s texting and talking to his friends and family about how he has already potty trained her and exaggerating how the other dogs react to her.

We got her I think on Tuesday by Thursday it had become my responsibility. It’s now Saturday and when she was crying at 6 o’clock in the morning to go outside it with me who woke up from down the hallway in the room with the door closed to put her outside. Yet he was sleeping in the room right next to her. After I put her outside I want to try to go back to sleep and at about 7:30 she was barking to come back inside. again I was the one to wake up and let her inside at which point I also gave her food and water and shut her in the kennel so that I could go back to sleep. Not even 60 seconds after I had lay down again I hear him putting her outside.

I walked out there and calmly told him that I had already let her outside for an hour and her just let her back in with food and water. He responded with something like, “I didn’t know that” as I was walking back to my bed. Then he passed the bathroom in the hallway and came into the room where I was laying to use the bathroom in there. After he close the door to the back. He made a remark about how he doesn’t have to follow my rules. When he came out again calmly, I told him that I had woken up at 6 AM to let the puppy outside left her out there for an hour I tried to go back to sleep and then again woke up at 7:30 to let her inside and give her food and water. I said when I heard him put her outside I came to tell him that I had already done all of this and asked why that was a problem. He says that I lectured him and went on and on in detail about everything that I did to take care of the puppy. I objected and said I was just telling him what I did that I didn’t sign up for and that’s why that’s a problem. It escalated from there and he made some shitty remark as he walked away and now I was angry two and got to make myself some coffee. He made it like how was he supposed to know that she was doing all that when he was asleep but I was asleep too and I was much further away from her than he was and he kind a closed door and not even a minute after I had just finished doing all of this to take care of her he gets up and thinks he’s doing it and when I let him know but I had done it’s a problem and I’m lecturing him. He started talking over me not getting letting me get a sentence out and ignoring anything I was saying. I continued to calmly repeat the same sentence over and over again to which he just kept talking over me about how I’m so unreasonable and how I don’t listen and on and on about how horrible I am because he couldn’t stand to listen to what I was saying.

So I started doing it back. I started just talking about how I’m just going to talk and talk and not listen to anybody and talk about everything he says and go on and on and not hear anything and keep talking so I don’t have to listen to him and act just like he does and go on and on just like this. Well this pissed him off now I’m acting like him. It’s OK for him to treat people that way but not for people to do it to him. He turned the TV up so loud that I could not hear the coffee maker that was right in front of me. He was sitting in the recliner smiling because he was so proud of what an ass he was being and so I walked in front of him, between him and the TV. He went from smiling to giving me a threatening stare. When I started calling him out on his behavior, not yelling, he stood up and leaned forward shoulder first and pushed me away from him with his shoulder in my chest. I said wow you’re gonna rush me with your shoulder because you’re angry? I which point he got in my face yelling telling me that I was in his face and asking me if me if I wanted to go there. I said I wasn’t in your face like this I was standing in front of you. He moved and I walked away. He told me I was a cunt. Now I was furious and trembling. I told him that I was done along time ago because he was done and stopped trying and does exactly this; he gets angry and he gets physical and verbally abusive and that is never OK. I asked him if somebody was physical and verbally abusive with his daughter but whatever OK and if she should just not get mad.

I disengaged from the situation and I’m now sitting in my car to write this post and get it out of my system so I can move on in my day since it is only 8:30 in the morning on Saturday.

I’m going to put this out of my mind and focus on positive energy and raising my level of consciousness and focusing on good things.

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It’s been too long

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I’ve been doing a lot of work on raising my level of consciousness and vibration and I’ve been really struggling trying to avoid confrontation. It’s been a while since I’ve written a post to vent my feelings, maybe that’s part of it. I didn’t want to write a post because I was feeling like it would be putting attention on negative energy and in that case increasing the negative energy but I think when I write it down when it happens it’s easier for me to then release it without revisiting it in my mind over and over again.

Just because I haven’t written anything doesn’t mean nothing has happened. It’s been mostly words, names and/or actions to be controlling or to hurt my feelings. The last time he did something I didn’t even write a blog post I just did a private Snapchat video of myself because I was to shaken up that I couldn’t even write it down. He was flipping out in the garage going on and on talking to him self loudly and I crushing cans. I couldn’t hear everything he was saying but could make out some things. He was saying things like stupid bitch and why don’t you fucking…? He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me so I can only assume it was about me. I sent him a text after that asking him if I was who he was talking about and he never responded. He ignored that text like I never sent it.

There’s also been many times where we were going somewhere as a family and he didn’t want to be involved. Things like Magic Mountain, all the holidays that just passed, he didn’t come to any of my family functions. My parents just had their 50th wedding anniversary. My brothers and I put together the whole party and he didn’t contribute in anyway and didn’t even show up for the party. My mom has an annual family gathering after Christmas. He didn’t come to that either. Basically, anytime I have invited him to do anything with us, he didn’t go. Besides the name calling that continues here and there, mostly as a something he says as he’s passing me or in another room has continued. Those times when he’s talking to himself, so angry about this and that, seem to have gotten more frequent.

Like I said, I’ve been trying to ignore him and not write it down and put it behind me and focus on positive but there is a great tension release when I can write it down and have it documented and move on from it. So I can just try to live life every day without how he feels about me I feel determining how I feel about myself.

Red Flag #4

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I have a thing about farting and burping around others. Probably just my ‘proper Catholic’ upbringing. My parents were very much that way. I’m pretty accepting and easygoing and am not like my parents in a lot of ways.

But this stuck with me. If you have to fart or burp, if you can’t excuse yourself or hide it, at least say, “excuse me.”

Especially farting. I know everyone does it but I also know that no one likes the smell of shit! Walk away, go to the bathroom, open a window or spray some air freshener.

Burping is whatever, as long as it’s not in my face. Both can even be funny occasionally. But again, just excuse yourself.

Well, he knows this about me. He knows I try and teach our kids this.

So what does he do? He burps and farts as much ass he can make himself. Especially when it’s silent. Especially when I’m not paying any attention. EVERY TIME he stands up or walks by, he will do one or the other.

It’s quite disgusting and immature and reminds me of a child being bad to get attention. But for someone who claims that he is a great husband… well.

I do not respond or even visibly acknowledge that I hear or notice. But, I can see out of the corner of my eye, him looking to see if it got a reaction from me this time.

I am the king! 👑

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My son has taken interest in guitar. It started with a ukulele and then an acoustic guitar. He’s been playing those for a few months and is self taught. His musical skill impresses me; especially because I have none. Lol

I love when he comes out of his room just to sit with me and show off what he has learned. He’s always asking me, “what song is this?” It’s pretty comical how bad I am at recognizing songs, and it’s not at all a reflection of his talent.

Today, we were doing just this. We had gone down to the local guitar place that we’d never been to and I bought him some new picks. (sp?) We looked at some inexpensive electric guitars they had for sale as he’s been talking about how much he wants one. He’s especially interested in learned bass guitar. They also offer lessons there. It they’re kind of pricey. You get four 1/2 hour lessons a month for $90. Maybe that’s just my thriftiness showing through. He said he’d really like a bass guitar for Christmas but I told him, if he finds a decent used one that I can afford, he wouldn’t need to wait until Christmas. They had a brand new one there for $199. That’s a pretty good deal but a little above my price range. I told him that if he could get his dad to pay half, we could probably do it.

So, we’re sitting in the living room and he’s playing his guitar and ukulele when his dad got home. His dad walks passed us and does a little chuckle as he’s walking by us. There was nothing to laugh at. Then, he comes out of the bathroom a couple minutes later and goes in the kitchen. My son tells him, “Hey dad, you what I want? A bass guitar.” He was trying to get a dialogue going with his dad. He’s told me before, that is how he gets his dad to EVEN CONSIDER buying him something that he (his dad) is not really interested in as a hobby of his own.

His dad looks at him and says, “No.”

Then he looks over to me and says, “See how I did that?”, with a smirk on his face. Then he went back to going through his papers he has scattered around the counter.

I just ignored him. Grey rock. I was fuming inside.

Then he follows up by saying, “You know what I want?”

I couldn’t hold my tongue. I laughed and said, “Nothing? Because you buy everything you want?”

He ignored me and said, “Someone to clean up the dog poop.”

I could feel the heat rising up in me and caught myself and held my tongue. Grey rock.

Let me say, he does NOTHING around the house! If anything, he could AT LEAST take out the trash and clean up the dog poop. Heaven knows he doesn’t do anything but wash his own laundry. Which, I’ll add, is in a huge heap in our garage, by his own choosing! He barely ever even puts his dirty dishes in the sink, let alone rinse them off! Or hell, even throw his damn trash away! I don’t even GO IN that room because it makes me so angry!

I look over at my son and he hasn’t even moved since he last spoke. I can see the wheels turning in his mind as he stares off at nothing. I know what he’s feeling. I’ve been there. He’s blaming himself; he’s wondering what he said wrong; he’s asking himself if he asks for too much; he’s thinking he just blew his chance of getting that guitar before Christmas. It breaks my heart.

The only thing I could think to say was, “Well, I think it’d be cool if you had one.”

My husband then says, “You know what else I want? …someone to put a trash bag back in the trash can when they take the trash out.” To which I replied, “Oh, that was me.” My son said something like, “Ha! It wasn’t me.” His dad responded with, “Well just blame (our daughter) since she’s not in here.” (Like now he’s light hearted and joking around)

I wanted to yell so badly! I wanted to say one of the hundred responses I had running through my mind.

~”Because why would you have to do anything to help around here?!”

~”Way to crush a kids’ spirit!”

~”Wow!”

I can’t even remember everything I was thinking in that moment. It was all I could do to ignore it. Grey rock.

I’m going to talk to my son when his dad’s not around and ask what he was thinking when his dad responded like that. Try and make sure he’s not feeling like he said something wrong.

Oh, did you want that?

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I considered filing this in the “Red Flag” category but decided it was just more of a given.

A Narc will buy them self what they know you want.

Yesterday, he showed off his brand new 9mm and 22. I have only ever wanted a 9mm. I have no guns of my own. Our kids each have a 22, he has a couple (few?) hunting rifles, his 45, and now a 22 and a 9mm. He even knew I wanted one and took my son to go look at buying me one for Christmas. He ended up not buying it, saying he didn’t think I’d use it. Saying if I needed, I could use his 45! (Knowing damn well that I can barely keep ahold of the thing.)

Our daughter is almost to driving age. A little over a year to go. She has always said that she wanted a Jeep. She’s not picky on specifics; she just would like a Jeep. I’m more the type that would give her my car and buy myself a new one. Either that or do like I did and help her buy some cheap old thing that can get her around safely until she can purchase a car for herself. What I wouldn’t do, is buy MYSELF a new Jeep.

But my Narc husband always has to have the best and won’t buy anything less. If you say you want the $20 alarm clock, he’ll buy you the $100 one. Sounds like a good thing doesn’t it? Not to me. To me, it feels like he’s saying he knows what is better for you more than you know yourself. That he knows more about than you, etc.

So, she’s said she’d love a Jeep but is not expecting one by any means. So what does he do? He talks about how he needs a new truck. How he’ll buy himself a new truck and just let her use it for school. I don’t know about you, but I’d be scared to drive my dads new truck being a new driver. She wasn’t to keen on the idea either. Then, he started talking about cool new Jeeps and showing her pictures on car sales sites and talking about which ones are cooler.

That’s as far as we are in that issue right now. Thought I’d better write it down to reflect on in a year or two.

When our son wants something expensive, his dad has been known to go buy it and then tell our son, “It’s mine but you can use it.”

Dinner time

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So, the last post (always the good guy) was just the icing on the cake. It might sound like I am irritated with my kids but I’m not really. I am irritated when I see him doing to them what he has done to me, and I feel so stuck because if I ever try to point things like that out to my kids, they see it as me just putting their dad down because we don’t get along. That is completely understandable but I’m not sure what to do.

If I tell them what i see happening and they don’t, then it seems like I am just putting him down.

If I don’t tell them, I’m afraid they are blaming themselves or that they are adopting his ways without realizing it and see nothing wrong with it.

Let me explain about dinnertime. This could be a really long post if I go into too much detail so I’ll try to hold back. There came a point when I completely stopped trying to eat as a family at the dinner table. I got tired of clearing the crap off the table to eat. Most of which was my husbands. (I’m positive he’d deny that though.) When I did manage to clean it off, he’d always eat after us. We’d be about done when he’d finally get up to get his plate. Usually because he’d been playing video games. (In the same room.)

So, now we eat wherever. A lot of the time, none of us eat at the same time, let alone sit together. Many times I’ve made meals big enough for the four of us and ended up throwing most of it away because it didn’t get eaten. Sometimes, I’d ask my husband if he was going to eat because it had been sitting there so long and he’d say “I didn’t know it was ready” (when he is literally 10-15 feet away and in a direct line of sight from where I’m making it and where everyone is making their plates) or he’d say yes but then not eat for another length of time; at which point it had been sitting out too long to refrigerate imo.

I’ve never been the type to force my kids to eat what I make. If they decide they don’t want it, they’re on their own though. I’m not going to make everyone a separate meal. So, when I make food I ask who wants what I’m making and about how much.

That brings me to tonight.

When I asked my son if he wanted any he replied by telling me he didn’t want fish. But then proceeded to tell me he’d eat one or two when I was confirming that he didn’t want any. I then asked him if he’d want some Mac n cheese (which is filling on its own) to which he replied “I don’t care”. I asked if he’d eat it if I made it to which he again replied “I don’t care”. I asked for a yes or no and he got irritated and said yes and that he’d already told me I don’t care. I explained that I don’t care wasn’t a yes or no answer and that I was asking him specifically because I knew he didn’t want the fish. My Narc husband was sitting off to the side and smirking. I’m sure he was gloating inside at his son learning to talk to me that way from him. Gloating at how my son was getting frustrated because I am so difficult to communicate with.

When I asked my daughter, she said she’d eat 3 or 4. I figured 4 for myself and 4 for their dad. There were about 14 in the box so I only made the one box instead of two. I took my 4, my son went in the kitchen and grabbed a couple (I didn’t see how many) along with a comment like “oh, these freakin things” and my daughter came in to get hers but only grabbed 3, leaving 4 on the plate. She asked, “How many did you make? There’s only 4 left.”

I got so frustrated. I got up and looked and saw there was 4 left. Exactly what I had planned. I stated how many everyone had said they wanted and that was exactly how much I had made. I explained that I wasn’t going to make twice as many as that when everyone had been saying they really didn’t want many. She asked why I was so mad. I told her because I ask everyone how many they want and they act like they don’t even want it and then I’m asked why I didn’t make more.

All of this is going on, like I said earlier, about 10-15 feet away from their dad. About 15 minutes later, he goes in the kitchen and begins making something else. Steak for shish-kabobs that he had bought for camping while hunting. I said “You’re making something else?” He went on to say that he didn’t dare eat without knowing if everyone else ate already. HIS behavior is what trained our children to delay coming to eat dinner when it’s ready. He has come in before and eaten everything that’s left without asking if everyone has eaten. I said all it takes is asking THREE WORDS… “Has everybody eaten?” He looked at me like that was an insane concept.

I went back and told my daughter that he was making something else so if she wanted more fish, it was there at the moment. I came back and sat down and he turned around and went into her room. I don’t know what was said but that is when my daughter came out, gave me a kiss, and told me she loved me and then went into the kitchen and tried to have a conversation about hunting with her dad.

I don’t know what happened to the remaining fish except that someone ate it because when I went in there to wash the pan, they were gone.

Always the good guy.

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So, he took our son with him to go hunting for deer this weekend. I’ll have to cover hunting in it’s own post.

But, anyway. He bought food for the trip. He said it was enough for two days but was only planning on staying one night. But, that way they’d have enough if they wanted to stay longer. I’m not sure what made my son want to go because he’s always said he doesn’t really like it. He likes spending time with his dad, he likes the camping part and shooting guns, but the actual hunting not so much. Or maybe that’s just me not getting the whole story. I asked him if he was excited before he left and he shrugged.

They left Friday evening and came back at about 7:30 on Saturday night. When they came inside, my son told me that he had forgot to tell me that one of his friends (that lives about 25 minutes away) was having a Halloween party… that they came back so he could go but when he talked to his friend, he couldn’t go anymore because other kids that weren’t invited had showed up and now there were too many people. I asked what time the party started to which he replied 6.

Arriving home at 7:30 in hunting attire, needing to shower and/or change and drive there, it would be probably about an hour before he could get there. But of course, his dad was the good guy for not only taking him hunting and spending so much money on that, but also cutting his trip short so my son could go to the Halloween party. If he had been home by say 5:00(?), he’d have had enough time to be there when it started… before all the other kids (who weren’t supposed to go) showed up.

Tonight, amidst another ordeal, our daughter was trying to have a conversation with him. She was asking about hunting. I don’t know if it was subconscious, but I don’t think it was. Everyone knows, if you are talking about him, he’s more than willing to talk. She asked him about when they got back and he proceeded to tell her about how my son made him leave early to go to the party and then ended up not even being able to go.

Maybe it’s because he wasn’t going to show up until 2 1/2 hours after the party started?! Their dad is always late to everything; When it’s time to be leaving, he is just starting to get ready.

But he’s always the good guy.